


Empty Space

by stormbornbxtch



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/F, F/M, Heartbroken Jon, Kinda Dark, Sad with bittersweet ending, Smut, based on a music video so yeah, bittersweet i guess, idk - Freeform, is Dany Dead? We'll see, kinda sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-17 22:02:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 23,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16982598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stormbornbxtch/pseuds/stormbornbxtch
Summary: Jon Snow is a broken man.  Suffering the emotional and mental torment his mind has forced him to endure since the day he lost the woman he loved and so much more. Now, he lives his days reflecting on the past and trying to pick up the pieces of his former self without her presence that he once hoped for. All hope is lost in the final days of the aftermath of the incident that changed his life for the worst. The world is certain of it and now so is he, but trying to move on from her and all they had is the most difficult thing he's ever attempted and no one is sure if he'll succeed.~~~Okay so I'm not the best at descriptions but I'm proud of this work, it's angsty and heartbreaking but the flashbacks are sweet and full of fluff and unconditional love. Please give my work a chance.





	1. Alone In My Head

_[Empty Space Chapter One](https://www.flickr.com/photos/161441232@N05/shares/c1gbHG) _

_“I would like to make an announcement if that’s alright with you all.”_

_Dany's voice carried throughout the entire room like a gentle summer breeze, soft but commanding enough to gain the attention of those around her. She gripped the microphone for dear life, knuckles whitening a little as she did so. The nails of her vacant hand scraped nervously over the soft material of her dress, fingers fidgeting with the fabric as she struggled to form the words she wanted to say to the small but meaningful crowd of people in the room._

_She had dreamed of this day, the day she’d be married. She only allowed herself to escape into that romantic fantasy when she was a child, but after the death of her mother and father, escaping into it seemed pointless, it was a fantasy and fantasies gave hope, hope seemed futile after a certain period of time._

_She never believed a man could truly love her for all that she was. For all the traumatic experience that had consumed the later years of her childhood and the entirety of her teen years, to see her scars and find beauty in them. Someone to help her heal and help remind her that she was whole and not a poorly strung together mess of emotions and broken pieces._

_Yet here she was, haired tied up into an intricate but seemingly messy updo, crafted by a close friend and now, sister. It still baffled her a little at the thought of her having a sister, let alone two of them. Not by blood but still, they had learned to love her as if she were. And the dress, my gods, she had never worn anything more beautiful in her life and probably never would again._

_The dress hugged the top of her figure snugly, the bodice was a corset like design with a modest v neckline upheld by tenuous spaghetti straps. The top was adorned with intricate lace detailing and beads, it almost made it impossible to tell it was practically see through beneath them. Almost._

_Jon noticed, she was sure of it but those thoughts were for later on in the night._

_At the waist, the dress flowed out, various layers of tulle fabric making up the skirt. A small variety of lace designs danced across the material and Daenerys had fallen in love with the with the delicate strength the dress exuded. When Missandei showed her the designs, she almost cried._

_It was perfect. Everything about today was perfect._

_From the vows to the awkward speeches made by so many people before her. Even Arya's attempt to do her make up beforehand. She had given up within five minutes, handing the job over to Sansa's more capable hands but still, it was the thought that counted._

_And Jon, gods, Jon was the was the most perfect aspect of it all._

_He had changed her life in the best way possible, given her things she never thought she could have. Never thought she deserved._

_She felt like was going to cry before she even said a word. Stupid Hormones._

_The idle chatter around her died down and she took a deep breath, not letting their gazes make her more aware of the nerves that already fluttered violently inside her. Her radiant violet eyes traveled over the guest, the people she cared most for in this world and then finally, to the man she loved. To the man she was hopelessly in love with._

_The smile that had been forming on her face finally took its place at the sight of him and Jon felt the familiar pang of warmth spread through his chest as it did so._

_He loved her and she loved him._

_There was no denying it, not now and not ever._

_Jon stared at her, brown eyes taking in the woman he now called his wife for what felt like the thousandth time that day. Even after all this time, he was still so incredibly amazed with everything that she was. She was the most beautiful person he had ever known and ever would know. Learning to understand her and loving her has been and will be the most significant thing he’ll ever do._

_He never thought he could be this happy or that he could be worthy of someone like her. And yet, here they were. Her eyes trained on him, the same adoration he held for her, reflected in her violet gaze towards him._

_His heart was her's, her's was his. For as long as they both shall live._

_He stared at the ring on her finger._

_His ring on her finger._

_His wife, he smiled at the thought._

_His fucking wife._

_She laughed slightly out of nervousness, or what he suspected to be nervousness. The flush of heat that flooded through her face afterwards only confirmed his suspicion._

_Daenerys Targaryen was nervous?_

_Correction, **Daenerys Snow** , was nervous? _

_He never thought he'd live to see the day._

**Jon and Daenerys Snow.**

_He smiled to himself at the thought, breaking the eye contact they had shared. She looked away, gaze returning to the small crowd of people. Jon reached for her hand, the one that had been twitching with material of her dress, and gently squeezed. He could practically feel the nerves roll off her at this point. The warmth that spread through his chest when she squeezed back made his heart swell a little more, it was crazy, the effect she still managed to have on him._

_“I can’t thank you all enough for joining Jon and I on this day, it truly means the world to me to have you all here to shares this day with us._

_As a little girl, I must’ve envisioned this day a million different times in a million different scenarios. The idea of declaring your love and devout devotion to someone in front of everyone you care about bearing witness was a concept I have been in love with for as long as I can remember. That, and the pretty dresses.”_

_Laughter sounded throughout the room and Jon could see the relief flush through her at the sound. Once it died down, her anxiousness seemed to return and she squeezed his hand once again, taking in a shaky breath before continuing._

_“But meeting and falling in love with Jon Snow, that, that was something that I could’ve never envisioned until it happened. When I met this man, neither of us could comprehend what it would amount to.” She looked down at him and he kissed the back of her hand gently without even thinking. Loving her was instinctual now._

_“Knowing him, being with him and learning to love him has helped me become the best possible version of myself. He loves me in ways that I never thought anyone could love another person, he has shown me what love truly is and I love him in ways I never thought possible.” Jon watched the stray tear fall down her cheek, eyes solely on him as she spoke and he could feel the familiar burn of his own that threatened to follow suit. He traced his thumb over the back of her hand in simple patterns, attempting to soothe the emotional anguish inside the both of them._

_“My perception of love had been warped for so long that it wasn’t really love at all. It was pain, love had always been pain before Jon. Before I was shown the gentleness that the feeling held, the patience and overall affection that love, that good love, held.” She was crying now and shit, he’d be lying if he said a few stray tears hadn’t made their way down his face either._

_“As a child, I-I never really knew that. Good love. As most of you know, my situation growing up wasn’t ideal and the people around me never knew that themselves let alone how to show me what it was. I never really knew what genuine love and affection was before Jon, I never knew what having someone truly love you for all that you are was like before him. I never knew how to love someone properly or how to allow myself to be loved properly until you.” Her gaze never faltered from him and despite the overwhelming amount of admiration he felt for her, he never dared to look away from her either._

_“Until Jon Snow came crashing into my life in all his brooding glory” A few laughs including her own rang out from the people he loved but all Jon could do was smile._

_“You were the first person in my life to love me for all that I am. For all of my flaws and strengths. For my stubbornness and rage, all of my emotional turmoil and the sins of my past. You saw me when no one else could and you gave me this unconditional love that I can never repay you for.”_

_He wanted to kiss her and tell her that she already had, that he would spend the rest of his life trying to prove to her how much she had given him no matter what she believed._

_“And you taught me what love was supposed to be, that a good love is unselfish and without ulterior motive and that a great love is kind and forgiving. You helped me heal the wounds of my heart instead of causing them and you helped me fix all my broken pieces. You reminded that I was whole Jon Snow. You were patient and understanding when I was unreasonable and hurting. And you are, without a doubt, the best thing that has ever and will ever happen to me, you changed my life for the better and I hope that one day I can give you even a fraction of all that you’ve given me.”_

_Jon could feel his chest tighten at her words, Gods, he loved this woman. He loved this woman more than he ever thought he could love anyone. He was so in love with her, it threatened to consume him._

_“You gave me a family Jon, a family who accepted me and gave me enough love to last several lifetimes. I can only hope that I can give as much to you.” She paused, slipping her hand from his and resting it on her stomach._

_His eyebrows furrowed in confusion, what the hell?_

_“An-and to our family.” she finished._

_Her eyes held uncertainty as she waited for him to react to her words. Jon could hear the distant sound of people talking around him but he stayed perfectly still._

_And then it hit him, the realization hit him like a semi-truck and he could feel his eyes wide, his chest tightening even more as his gaze flicked from her face and back to her stomach and then her face again._

_"Are you…?” he started but trailed off as she nodded._

_“Yeah, yeah I’m pregnant Jon.” Her words were soft as he stood up slowly, eyes never wavering from her stomach as he looked at her._

_Was she serious? Was this real? Was she really have his baby? Was she fucking with him? He knew she liked pranks and she and Arya had become infamous in their family for them. Gods, if this was one Jon was going to lose his fucking mind?_

_Daenerys could feel herself growing more and more anxious the longer he stared at her, it was like watching a wolf discover a new object and not knowing whether they were about to rip it to pieces or nuzzle it against their neck. Maybe this was a bad idea, ambushing him with the news like that. She could already feel the regret start to seep in and the smile on her face start to fade._

_“Jon-”_

_“Dany, are you shitting me?” A smile spread across his face, eyes wide as he looked at her like she was the most precious thing in the world. She could herself laugh unsteadily, mainly out of relief. Her eyes crinkled in the corners and Jon so very much loved that little aspect of her laugh._

_Dany shook her head._

_“No, or at least I hope not. But in about eight months we’ll be-” he didn’t even let her finish before his lips were on hers, arms pulling her into his embrace._

_There was the distant sound of cheering, probably from his siblings, but he didn’t care. All that mattered was that her hands were tangled in his hair and his lips were on hers and they were having a kid together. His kid was in her stomach. Her kid. Their fucking kid._

_He kissed her like both their lives depended on it, holding on to her for dear life. My gods, he was so in love with her and now she was going to be the mother to their children and they were going to build a family with two parents who had nothing but unconditional love to give the child that she was carrying. He was truly the luckiest man in the world, there’s no way he couldn’t be._

_His arms lifted a her a little into the air and she broke away, laughing. Hearing that, a symbol of her happiness, it’s all he wanted to hear for the rest of his life. It had to be the most beautiful sound known to man._

_“I take it you’re happy then.” She said, violet eyes looking down at him, smile still spread across her face._

_“God, I fucking love you.” he breathed out and the humor in her gaze faded, replaced with the look of adoration and love she had given him throughout most of her speech. Everytime she gave it to him, his heart threatened to burst from his chest and fuck, he never thought he could be this happy._

_“I love you more Jon Snow.” She mumbled, forehead resting against his and Jon closed his eyes, slowly setting her back on the ground._

_He reveled in this feeling coursing between the two of them. The three of them. He prayed to the gods that they’d never lose it._

_“Not possibl-”_

“You can’t keep watching that, it’s not good for you.”

Jon’s eyes didn’t waver from the TV but Arya’s voice had succeeded in pulling him away from the memory replaying in front of him. He didn’t want to be pulled away though, not now.

He knew what he had become, a sad excuse of a man since Da-her. He didn’t need the constant reminder of how hard he had fallen from grace from yet another one of his family members. He’d gotten enough of that from Sansa yesterday morning.

Or was it the day before yesterday.

He didn’t care enough to think to hard about it, days just seemed to blend together in an array of depressive thoughts and emotions for him lately. He was pretty sure he didn't even know what month it was.

Jon didn’t even realize he had been crying, he seemed to do that a lot when he was alone nowadays. Which was often.

His hands moved towards his face and wiped away the stray tears that had fallen.

“Arya, why are you here?”

He didn’t even sound like himself anymore, his voice had grown rougher and colder over the past few months. More broken.

Arya didn’t need to see him like this.

But then again, when wasn’t he like this?

Arya ignored him, taking in the trainwreck of an apartment he had chosen to dwell in over the past few months. Empty beer bottles discarded everywhere, clothes and trash abandoned in the most unsuitable places.

She moved to turn the lights on and when she did, she could hear the wince come from him. He sat right in front of the TV, his couch was covered in too much shit to sit on. There were various stains on it and Arya refused to get close enough to find out what they were.

The kitchen looked like a tornado had hit it, piles of dishes stacked on top of one another in the sink. She knew that if he added one more thing to it, it might collapse completely. Fast food wrappers covered the kitchen table and Arys was starting to have some doubts about dropping Ghost back to this place. With his owner, like this.

She made her way through the dump he created out of the studio apartment he and Dany bought a few months ago. Before she-Arya shook her head. She hated talking about what happened and she especially hated thinking about it.

It had turn her strong big brother into this seemingly fragile being, he looked like he could break down completely at just the mention of her name.

This was not Jon, it couldn’t be. This broken man couldn’t be all that was left of him.

“Everyone’s worried about you Jon, you need to-”

“I didn’t ask them to be.”

She rolled her eyes, ignoring the anger that threatened to lash out at him. He was stubborn, stubborn in remaining in his pain. He had pushed them all away since it happened, ignored all phone calls and had been difficult through visits. He was hurting and she hated having to stand by and not be able to do anything about it.

“Stop pushing us away Jon, wallowing in your own self pity it’s not the fucking answer to this.” It was harsher than she intended to come off but restraint wasn’t her strong suit. It was tough but the truth always was.

Jon sighed, rubbing his eyes in irritation.

“Arya, leave.”

“No. Not until yo-’”

“Now.”

“Jon, listen to me.”

“GET OUT!”

He didn’t mean to scream at her but he just, he didn’t need this right now.

Arya took a shaky breath, fists clenching and unclenching as they stood in tense silence. She was not backing down, no matter how many fucking temper tantrums he threw.

“Who the fuck are you? I don’t even recognize you anymore.”

Jon winced.

She was right and he knew it. That person that she wanted to see, that Jon, was nowhere to be found. He just wanted her to leave.

Steadily he stood up and faced her. Arya’s anger was replaced with worry as she took him.

Jon was, he was a mess.

His clothes, pajama pants and a wife beater, hung off his body. He had lost weight, looked like he hadn’t eaten or slept in days. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy. He had been crying, a lot. His scruff was back and unkempt, hair longer than usual and he had paled, skin whiter than Arya had ever seen it.

When was the last time he went outside? Or showered or eaten?

“Jon I-” her words were soft but the last thing he needed was this. He didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t need her pity or her concern. He didn’t want or need any of it.

“Arya, I really can’t hear this right now.”

She stood silent, watching him with this pained expression on her face and all it made Jon want to do was to crawl back into thei-his bed for weeks and hopefully, never leave.

Arya wanted to hug him, she wanted to be there for him but that’s the last thing he wanted. Still, she couldn’t just leave him here to suffer the torment of his own mind.

He wouldn’t let her stay.

He’d let Ghost though, she’d have to drop him off later then. He needed some kind of companionship and comfort whether he realized it or not.

She’d talk to Sansa, maybe convince her to help her clean up the place tomorrow if she wasn’t busy.

She wanted to help him but she knew he wouldn’t let her unless it was on his terms.

She could fight him.

But he didn’t look like he had any fight left in him.

Instead she remembered why she came here in the first place, it would only hurt him more but he needed to hear it. If no one else would say it, she would have to.

“You need to say goodbye to her Jon, before it’s too late.”

Her voice was barely audible but it didn’t stop Jon from wincing at the last of her words.

“Arya, I-I can’t.”

He hated how weak he sounded, how broken he appeared when he tried to acknowledge what happened.

It had made him this shell of a man, torn him in two and he couldn't even fucking admit the truth to anyone let alone himself without almost breaking down. It had been months.

He was pathetic.

Arya heard the despair in his tone but for his sake, decided to ignore it.

“You got to let her go Jon, holding onto her. It’s killing you.”

She was right, every word she had told him since she walked in was right but he just, he couldn’t.

He could feel the emptiness rising in his chest, threatening to consume him like a black hole as he thought about it.

He can’t lose her.

He can't admit that he was losing her.

Or that he already has.

“Gendry’s waiting for me in the car, but if you don’t say goodbye, you’ll never forgive yourself.”

She didn’t wait for Jon to answer, closing the door behind her as she left him alone in the empty apartment with only his thoughts.

He should let her go. He should stop thinking of her, every second of every day. He should try and get his job at The Night Watch back. He should clean his apartment and himself and take Ghost for a walk. He should work out and eat something and sleep through the night. He should stop watching these fucking videos and replaying every memory of her in his mind like a fucking broken record. He should throw away the paper in his drawer of potential baby names and pack the sonograms up.

He should move on, maybe, eventually find someone else.

Jon laughed bitterly at the thought.

Ironic really, she was supposed to be his forever and it had barely lasted a year.

Now, there was nothing but a ghost of what used to be.

There are a lot of things he should do.

He just, couldn't.

Jon turned his attention back to the TV, settling back into the spot he had left. He ruffled through the various tapes that she had hidden in an old shoebox, they were the only things he had left of her.

He picked a random one and plopped it into the VCR without thinking.

Jon didn’t move from that place on the floor, for the entire night.

Only allowing the memories that haunted the past wash over him as a painful reminder of what he had been.

Of what wasn't anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone knows how to post images properly on ao3 please let me know because I've tried everything it won't work


	2. Its Something I've Decided

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The start of their relationship and the decision that could officially bring it to an end.

_"She's the worst. Literally the worst person I have ever fucking met in my life."_

_Robb resisted the urge to roll his eyes at Jon's words. He didn't even have to ask about who he was talking about. Every single day for the past few weeks since he transferred into Professor Tyrion's class, she was all he could talk about. This girl had managed to consume his younger brother's mind with thoughts of her and his apparent 'hatred' for all that she was. As much as Robb enjoyed bearing witness to his brother's obliviousness towards his own feelings, it was starting to get a bit annoying._

_Robb remembered the early days of Jon's last girlfriend, Ygritte and gods, he didn't even talk about her this much. He had heard enough about her to form some kind of image of her but to get his brother going like this, the idea probably didn't compare to the reality._

_He couldn't help but wonder, what made her so special?_

_"What did the famous Daenerys Targaryen do this time hmm?" He asked, partly feigning his interest as he brought the rim of his beer bottle to his lips._

_Jon groaned at the mention of her name and Robb struggled to hide the slight chuckle that rose from his lips._

_"She's just, gods, she's the most infuriating person I've ever met. We were supposed to decide on a project topic for Tyrion's class and no matter what I said, she dismissed it. It's like she's convinced herself that nobody on this planet can ever reach her level of "intelligence.""_

_"I'm sure she's not that bad." Robb told him, like he always did and like always, Jon shot a glare in his direction, a tell tale sign that he was far from being done with this rant._

_"But she is, gods Robb she really is. You wanna know the first thing she said when we met in the library this today."_

_"What?" He wondered if Jon caught the sarcasm in his tone, probably not._

_"She asked me if I knew what the fucking assignment was. I was sitting right behind her in class when Professor Lannister fucking announced it Robb! It's like she just naturally assumed Iwasn't pay attention or that I'm not fucking smart enough to understand the basics of the english language and how instructions are given. She's just, un-fucking-believable."_

_This time, he did roll his eyes. He was exaggerating and he knew it._

_"Maybe she just didn't see you in class, I mean you do sit behind her after all." He told him and Jon looked like he wanted to punch him in the face._

_"Who's side are you even on?" Jon asked and Robb almost choked on his beer. He laughed hard at that._

_"No, I-I'm not on anyone's side brother. Simply an objective party that's all." Robb stated, wiping a tear from his left eye as he did so._

_"Whatever, but her not seeing me is bullshit. She knew I'd be there, we both have never missed that class. Ever. She just wanted to feel big and smart and not only did she imply that I was some kind of oblivious idiot-" Robb wanted to laugh, he really did. Instead he bit his lip and kept his eyes focused on the beer in front of him, "-she invalidated all my ideas and made them seem like some ten year old dumbass could come up with something better. I'm not an idiot Robb, I'm not." He sounded like a child, not a twenty one year old man, the things this woman could reduce his brother too were absolutely remarkable._

_"No one said you were."_

_"I highly doubt that, especially when it comes to her." Jon huffed out and Robb failed at hiding the smile that played at his lips._

_"Well did you agree on any of her ideas for the project?"_

_"That's not relevant." Robb chuckled to himself at his answer._

_"Are you sure about that little brother?"_

_Jon shot daggers at him for the third time that night but at this point, all Robb could muster was an amused smirk in return.glared_

_"Is this funny to you or something. Do you enjoy my personal torment?" Jon questioned and Robb rolled his eyes. When did his brooding brother become so overly melodramatic?_

_"Not at all, I just think its funny how much you manage to talk about this Daenerys every time anyone asks you the simple question of "how was your day?" He told him and Jon rolled his eyes._

_"That's not true."_

_Robb raised his eyebrows accusingly, "is that so? Because I remember asking you that exact question a minute after you sat down. Wanna know how long we've been here?"_

_Jon's expression changed to one of self consciousness as he crossed his arms over his chest, not asking the question. Robb looked down at his watched and this time, he didn't bother fighting the chuckle that fell from his lips._

_"I'm gonna tell you anyway. Half an hour, we've been here for half an hour. You've been talking about this Targaryen girl for the past twenty minutes Jon." Robb informed him and Jon sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose in irritation._

_"She just knows how to get under my skin that's all." Jon answered, taking a swig of his Bud Light after he did._

_"Oh, I know, believe me I know." Robb told him, nodding knowingly as he reached for his wallet._

_Jon didn't like the suggestiveness in his tone or the way he nodded so, smugly._

_"What's that supposed to mean?" He wasn't aware how defensive he sounded until it was too late but he told himself it was just because he didn't like the what Robb's body language was implying. Whatever it was that he was implying._

_"Nothing." He answered, feigning cluelessness before taking the final swig of his beer._

_"Don't patronize me Robb, what's that supposed to mean?" Jon asked again, an edge to his voice. His brother sighed in defeat as he placed the beer bottle back on the table, the fact that he had to spell this out for him was actually quite sad when he thought about it._

_"Alright, you wanna know what I think you should do?" Robb asked, turning to face his brothers._

_Jon shrugged, lifting the drink back to his lips afterwards. He wouldn't have asked if he didn't want to know._

_"Please enlighten me."_

_**"Fuck her."**_

_Those two little words were the last thing Jon expected to hear. He thought Robb would spew some wise older brother bullshit about turning the other cheek and being the bigger person. Not this. He was caught off guard, so caught off guard that Jon actually choked. He choked on the liquid that flowed down his throat, rather violently and Robb's eyes widened in alarm as he stood up, moving behind his brother to give him a hard slap on the back._

_Jon quickly dispersed into a fit of coughs and once that finally settled down, he took a deep breath before speaking again._

_"W-what?"_

_"Listen Jon, I love you but you heard me, you've been talking about this girl for weeks. Weeks. You have never been the kind of person to give the people you hate attention, let alone this much attention. If she has even a quarter of the built up tension towards you that you have towards her, then she probably wants to sleep with you too whether either of you want to admit it or not."_

_That, that didn't make any sense. Why was Robb saying this?_

_"Robb, you don't understand I-"_

_"I understand enough brother, you've admitted that you were attracted to her and 'her stupid perfect face' on multiple ocassions, I don't think you realized you were doing it but you did so just, make a move. She made you a tightass, maybe she can undo it."_

_Jon was dumbfounded, what the fuck was his brother on about?_

_"I gotta go, Talisa and I have plans but I'll see you tomorrow. Think about what I said aye?"_

_Before Jon could process his words or say anything else, Robb grabbed his coat from the inside of the booth and moved to leave the bar. A twenty in the place on the table where he just occupied._

_Fuck her._

_How the fuck? What the fuck did that even mean?_

_Well he knew what it meant but why, how had Robb even come to that conclusion when it came to the two of them? All Jon had done was complain about her and Robb expected him to have sex with her and somehow that would magically fix all the problems and annoyances that made up Daenerys Targrayen. Like hell it would._

_He didn't wanna have sex with Daenerys. She was a vile little know it all with a superiority complex and a gigantic ego. All that overconfidence, it was a fucking turnoff. It had to be._

_But, Jon realized with an overwhelming amount of horror, it wasn't._

_He hated to admit this, but he kind of liked when she took control of situations because most of the time, he agreed with her. She was smart and sharp and she challenged him and everyone else around her. It was kind of admirable._

_And fuck, he hadn't realized how hot she was until now. Always too focused on stupid shit he couldn't really remember at the moment. She had these nice full lips and a small curvy body. Gods, her perfect long silver blonde hair was something out of a dream. Jon had never been a hair guy, why was he suddenly attracted to her hair?_

_It was just so unique and unlike anything he'd ever seen. She was like anything she'd ever seen._

_Then his mind flickered to something else, an image that Jon couldn't control, his hand wrapped loosely around her hair. Fingers running over her spine gently as he pulled her into him with the other hands, thrustin-_

_Stop! Stop!_

_He could not be attracted to fucking Daenerys Targaryen._

_He just couldn't be._

_Yet he was and Jon discovered exactly how much in the following weeks._

_Every time he saw her, whether it was in class or the library or even the most random coincidental moments around campus, he found another thing that he was attracted to._

_They were her lips curled into a smirk when she watched someone answer the question wrong only for her's to shoot her hand up and correct them seconds later. The way her she applied her lip gloss excessively only to wipe it off when she was nervous about something, biting her lip until she relaxed. The way her violet eyes lit up whenever someone mentioned a topic she had spent hours studying and mastering._

_The way her hips swerved when she walked across the courtyard, the way she tied her hair up in class whenever there was a discussion she planned on participating in (all of them). The way she let her hair down when she had finished her point and no longer had anything left to say, usually having the last word._

_Whenever she raised her hand in class, she was always just eager enough to gain Professor Lannister's attention without being overly annoying. Sometimes she'd let her excitement get the baest of her and she'd puff out her chest unknowingly. Jon wasn't a perv, he wasn't, but he couldn't help but notice the etches of a lace bra through her shirt when she did it, ._

_The way she chewed down on her pen when reviewing a passage in their textbook. The way she carried herself in her arguments, with grace and veracity. The way the many skirts she wore hugged her figure like a glove, he specifically liked this plaid one she wore this one time. It reached her mid thigh and she wore these leather thigh high boots with a tight grey sweater that stopped where the skirt started and gods, that was a good day. A really good day._

_"Okay what's wrong with you?"_

_Jon blinked, slipping out of his trance as his eyes met the light violet ones he had become so familiar with over the past few weeks._

_"Huh? Wha-what do you mean?"_

_Daenerys rolled her eyes at his unawareness, her lips pouting a little as she did so. God they were so full, perfect for wrapping around his c-_

_"JON!"_

_"What? What'd I miss?"_

_Daenerys huffed, pulling the pen from her mouth and narrowing her eyes at him. He was getting on her nerves, he'd been acting weird for the past few days and she was getting tired of his weird looks and spaced out to wherever his mind took him. The only reason she even agreed to stay his partner because she knew Jon Snow wouldn't bullshit. He was focused or he always seemed to be, its the one thing about him she managed to stand._

_"Are you kidding me? I've been asking you the same question for the past ten minutes and all you seem to do is zone out. What is going on with you Snow?" Hey eyebrows furrowed in annoyance as she questioned him._

_Jon smiled unknowingly, "you're cute when you're annoyed."_

_He didn't mean to say it, he really didn't mean to. It was like his brain malfunctioned or something and she was just there and it's not like he was lying because, well, she was but Jon shouldn't have said that aloud. His eyes widened at his own words and so did Daenery's._

_Oh shit, oh shit. How does he take it back? He wants to take it back!_

_"I'm so sorry I don't know where that came from I-" He began only to be cut off by Dany, voice loud and laced with anger._

_"How fucking dare you Jon Snow?!"_

_He could see the rage pulsing behind her eyes and gods, he fucked up. He fucked up so bad._

_Daenerys was pissed, she had been there for an hour, an hour trying to work on this piece of their project. Narrowing down what information they should use and which to avoid like the plague to support their thesis. Her work ethic was not cute, it was work! And she had been working hard and all Jon Snow could do was muster up the fact that she looked cute when she annoyed?! Is that all he saw her as? Some cutesy little girl who's only purpose was to be such._

_She had worked hard for all that she had and she wasn't gonna let someone, especially Jon Snow reduce her like that._

_"How dare you belittle me and all the work I put into this fucking project which is worth thirty percent might I add as something 'cute'. You are so fucking full of shit Jon Snow. I can't believe you just said that to me and while I was asking you a serious question. I am not some cute girl here for your visual pleasure" She was standing now, cheeks red with anger and Jon would've thought that was cute too if she wasn't yelling at him in the middle of the library and if somehow, her stupid beautiful violet looked like they had been set on fire and shit._

_How was she still so attractive when she was yelling at him?! He told his mind to shut up, thinking like that as the whole reasoning for her outburst in the first place._

_"Daenerys, please calm down."_

_Okay so some part of her knew, she was overreacting to his comment. Still, he had been undermining every thing she did on this project since they started, maybe she was taking all that anger and frustration out on him in one fall swoop but at this point she didn't care, too blinded by rage to stop._

_Her expression morphed and if he thought she was angry before, he hadn't been prepared._  
_"Calm down?! Calm fucking down?! My gods, you are unbelievable. Un-fucking believable. I knew this was a bad idea, pairing with you. Gods, the fucking audacity, calling me cute." Jon tuned out her rant as he watched as her grab her textbook and shove it into her bag._

_"Daenerys I didn't mean to s-"_

_"I knew what you meant. You reduced me and my work , the work that I've been doing so that we can actually pass this class, to 'cute'. Not only that, but you've been diminishing every single contribution I've made to this project for the past few weeks and I'm done. I cannot work with someone who sees as some 'cute' incapable person. I am smart and I can do this shit on my own so fuck off because you Jon Snow, are a dick!"_

_Confusion etched it's way onto his mind with each word that came from her mouth. He hadn't been diminishing her? Had he? Before Jon could even begin to process her words, Daenerys was gone. Stocking off angrily towards the exit._

_She was mumbling angry to herself, Jon wouldn't event try to hear what she said as she balled her fist and shoved her way out of the library's front double doors. Slamming one of them with more force than he thought she could ever exert._

_The library went eerily quiet as Jon looked around, eyes landing on one of the librarians who shot him a disapproving look._

_Welp, time to leave._

_Jon took the long way home, mind racing a mile minute after his encounter with Dany._

_He didn't mean to belittle her, he just, he thought she looked cute. He'll admit that he had been dismissing her ideas, only because she had done the exact same to him. He knew she was smart and capable, he had witnessed almost every time he encountered her. When he put the petty rivalry they had, he was kind of amazed by the way her brain worked. By how she saw the world._

_He felt like shit, genuine shit. He was a dick and next time he saw her, he'd have to apologize._

_Jon lived off campus with a close friend, Sam. The dorms the first year had been hell, Jon liked his space. Plus the fact that he had three different anxiety breakdowns because of all the people didn't help either. His mom, Lyanna, offered to help pay for an apartment but Jon, being Jon, wouldn't take it. So he got a job his Sophomore year, it was enough to pay for his half of the apartment with his roommate, Sam. He usually worked the night shift but tonight, he was off._

_Plus the fact that Sam wanted to get away from his dad just as much as Jon did Catelyn, as soon as he starting looking for a roommate a few months earlier, Sam was the first person who came to him. Living with him wasn't as bad as he expected, he kept to himself when he needed to and didn't mind the presence of a dog. Well, Jon's dog. The dorms didn't allow pets, this apartment did thanks to the grace of the gods._

_Leaving Ghost for four years back in Winterfell was almost an impossible feet, he was glad he didn't have to do it after all. no way. The living situation was kind of perfect actually, for now at least._

_Jon fished his key from his front pants pocket and unlocked the door, closing it behind him after. He greeted Ghost with a ruffle of his head as he moved towards the kitchen, placing his bag on the counter. Sam had left a note on the fridge, something about taking Ghost out for a walk earlier and a date with Gilly. Jon wouldn't wait up, when he went out with Gilly, he never came home the same night anymore._

_Jon liked Sam and Gilly, he had been witnessed to Sam's constant mistreatment from girls growing up, it was especially hard to watch considering his friend was a hopeless romantic. He was starting to feel bad for him by the time Gilly came around. She was much kinder than the others and for once, the same look of admiration Sam had for her was reciprocated in her gaze. They were good for one another, like two quirky halves of the same whole. She made his friend unbelievably happy in the short span of time that she had known him and Jon was grateful, Sam deserved it._

_For a brief moment, Jon wondered if he did too._

_He pushed the thought aside before starting on his nightly routine. He showered, changed his clothes and heated a cup of tea. Mind drifting back to Daenerys every chance he got, he felt like an asshole. Maybe he should call her and apologize, would she even answer him at this point? Jon sighed as he pulled his laptop from his bag and placed it on the kitchen counter, eyes squinting as he tried to remember what exactly he had to work on tonight._

_He needed to refill Ghost's bowl, maybe take a shot of whiskey to calm his mind before starting on his essay for Professor Tarth._

_Jon still had no idea how to go about apologizing, maybe get her a card or something? The thought sounded stupid as soon as he heard it. Jon shook his head as he poured some dog food into Ghost's bowl in the corner of his living room._

_Maybe he could get her coffee tomorrow, promise to buy it for a month if she forgave him. That just sounded like he was trying to buy her, she didn't seem like the type who could be bought though._

_Right?_

_The sound of incessant knock on his door pulled Jon out of his thoughts, he frowned as he rolled up the end of the bag and moved to stick it in the cabinet beside the oven. He prayed to the gods that it wasn't Sam coming home early, whenever Sam came home early it was was because of one thing. A fight with Gilly, Jon wasn't in the mood to comfort him right now. Their fights always made him a mess until one of them got the nerve to talk to the other. Jon couldn't deal with anyone else's problems when he had his own to figure out._

_It sounded again and Jon sighed, "give me a sec."_

_He hoped it was Arya running away from home again, he could handle a stubborn rebellious Arya more than he could a heartbroken Sam. Please, please let it be Arya, Jon hoped as he opened the front door._

_"Arya I can't let you stay here a-Daenerys?"_

_She knew this was a dumb idea and Jon's face as soon as he opened the door only confirmed it. What was she even doing here? Well she knew what she was doing here but why exactly had she acted on that impulsive decision again? She just, she couldn't get his stupid mess of a compliment out of her head since he said it. Apparently to the point of driving her dorm-mate insane._

_Then Missandei said one of the most outrageous things Daenerys had ever heard._

_**"Oh my gods, shut up about Jon Snow! You've been talking about him for weeks Dany, weeks. The last time you even got close to talking about a guy like this was with Daario and you ended up sleeping with him. Just fuck and get it over with because I can not hear your sexually frustrated rants about Jon Snow anymore. I refuse to."**_

_She left with Grey right after, leaving Daenerys alone with that to mull over. And mull she did, her mind completly focusing on Missandei's words and Jon's stupid comment. She didn't want to fuck him, she just, he was so fucking aggravating. She did want to sleep with him. Or at least she thought she didn't until her mind started wandering to things she knew about him but never really acknowledged._

_Like how he scrunched up his eybrows whenever he was confused about a topic in class, it wa kind of...not ugly. The way he smiled, it always took her off guard but not in a bad way she supposed. The way he laughed, deep and full and the very sound consumed whatever room he was in. And the way he scratched his beard whenever he was nervous to talk about something, the way he licked his lips out of frustration._

_He had nice lips, really nice ones. The kind of lips that you could easily lose yourself in when he kissed you, and he had these arms. Daenerys remembered this one time, he wore a short sleeve shirt to one of their sessions one day and when he flexed them unknowingly, her train of thought was lost. She remembered him stretching and seeing a peak of his torso and she'd be lying if she said she hadn't wondered what it would've been like to run her fingers or her ton-_

_No, she could not and would not be attracted to Jon Snow. He was Jon Snow, the biggest prick she had ever known. Well, that was an exaggeration but still, he managed to get on every single one of her last nerves every time they had any kind of interaction. Every. Single. Time._

_Admitting attraction was like admitting defeat, and Daenerys was not one to just accept defeat._

_She had also never been on to enjoy publicly shaming and embarassing someone over such a miniscule comment. So he thought she was cute, whatever, that didn't matter. What mattered was her overreaction, whether she liked to admit it or not, she owed him an apology._

_She remembered when they were trying to decide a place to meet, he suggested his place, an apartment off campus. He'd sent her the address before she could respectfully decline because at the time, Daenerys would have rather died then spend time in his domain._

_Yet now, here she was. Standing in front of him and the realization that this was a dumb idea was just now starting to sink in. She could've just waited until their next session to apologize or even just texted him this bullshit, but showing up at his house in the middle of the evening, not her smartest choice._

_Jon however, was completely taken off guard. Mostly by her presence outside his front door but also because she looked, so un-Daenerys like._

_Her silverish blonde hair was loose, something he'd never actually seen before. It was longer than he realized, thicker too and her face was completely bare. She seemed softer now, more beautiful if that were even possible. He took in her grey sweats, the top was cute off mid-torso, exposing her midrift and gods, he didn't know she worked out or that she had a belly piercing. Jon took note of the uggs on her feet and smiled unknowingly._

_He was right before, she was cute._

_She looked surprised to see him, even though this was his house._

_"What are you doing here?" He asked. voice more at ease than he actually felt._

_"That's a great question actually" she laughed unsteadily, "I umm, I came here to apologize for blowing up at you at the library. It was wrong and I shouldn't have gone about it like that." She told him, sounding much braver than she actually felt._

_Jon looked at her, surprised at her words as he crossed his arms over his chest. He figured he'd have to be the one to apologize, not the other way around._

_"I thought I was the one who fucked u-" he mumbled under his breath, but Daenerys cut him of._

_"You were, but I blew up at you and I let my anger get the best of me. That wasn't okay." She told him and Jon nodded._

_"Welp, apology accepted."_

_Daenerys felt her eyes narrow, anger already threatening to come up. "Are you kidding me?"_

_Jon felt his eyebrows furrow in confusion, gods her emotion changes were fucking exhausting to keep up with._

_"What? Do you want to come in or something?"_

_Daenerys couldn't fucking believe him, she pushed past him and inside. She wasn't the only one who said stupid shit today and the fact that he was acting like none of this was even remotely his fault was pissing her off all over agin. She was gonna yell at him, but not outside his apartment. People could see and call the cops and she didn't need that right now._

_"Don't you have something to say to me too? Or...?" She trailed off, turning to face him as he closed the door. She didn't even stop to take in his apartment, she didn't even plan to get this far but for some reason, around Jon Snow, her peace of mind was lost. He managed to light a fire of pure anger and annoyance inside of her and she hated him for it._

_Jon was planning to apologize, he was but not when she came demanding it. She was already acting like an entitled brat and they had barely been in each other's presence for longer than five me._

_"Nope, I'm good."_

_Daenerys groaned out of aggravation, how could someone be so annoying?_

_"Why are you so infuriating?"_

_He smelt nice, she didn't even remember getting this close to him. She hadn't exactly made herself at home in his apartment, barely walked in. He hadn't even bothered to move from the front door and gods, when did they get this close?_

_"Why are you so overdramatic?"_

_"I am not!"_

_She looked up at him, lips pouted and eyes squinted as she wrapped her arms around her chest tightly. His gaze flickered to her chest and then to her lips, and geez, when did it get so tense?_

_"Liar."_

_His voice had gotten deeper and eyes had darkened, Daenerys could feel her knees weaken at the sound. He was so fucking irritating, why wouldn't he just admit he was wrong to? Why did he smell so good?_

_"You're fucking infuriating?" She mumbled, gaze traveling from his eyes down to his lips._

_"You already said that." he whispered, eyes not wavering from her lips._

_Daenerys could feel the ghost of his breath against her lips and fuck it._

_She leaned in, closing the distance between the two of them and Jon's body responded to hers immediately. His hands moving to her waist, and her's wrapping around the back his neck._

_Jon's tongue flickered over her lips, begging for an entrance and hands moving down to grip her ass. Daenerys gasped, involuntarily giving him the access he so very much craved. Her hands entangled in his hair as their tongues slid over the depths of each other's mouths. The hand that wasn't gripping her backside, moved under her thigh and Daenerys took the cue and wrapped her leg around his waist._

_"Jump" he mumbled against her lips and she followed his instructions with ease. Both hands holding her in the air by her backside while her ankles locked at the end of his spine. Daenerys moaned as Jon pulled her bottom with his teeth, tugging on the ends of his hair in response. He groaned as one of her hands slipped from his locks and down the front of torso, fumbling with the belt as he set her down on the kitchen counter._

_Then she heard it, the barking. Daenerys opened her eyes and "shit!"_

_Jon pulled away, heart beating out of his chest at her alarm._

_"What is it? What happened?" He was out of breath and overwhelmed with desire but if she didn't want it then he would just bac-_

_"I am not having sex with you in front of your dog!" Confusion consumed his mind until he remembered Ghost. He looked over and there he was, just staring at them. Yeah, that was weird._

_"Right! Right!" He pulled back from her and made his way over to Ghost's food bowl. The dog watched with curiosity but it was enough to push him to follow his owner. Jon thanks the gods for his obedience as he made his way into Sam's room and placed it near his bed. Daenerys smiled in amusement as he ran back to her._

_"Someone's excited." She said and he laughed._

_"No more talking." He whispered before pulling her back into a kiss. She didn't fight it because well, Jon Snow was an incredible kisser._

_Daenerys found her hands wandering down his chest, fumbling with buttons of his flannel until they finally came undone. He shrugged it off with ease and she swore under her breath at the sight._

_Her mouth watered at the sight of his chest, hands trailing down his stomach as she got a feel of his abs. Fuck he was so hot._

_"I showed you mine" Jon mumbled, before moving to kiss the side of her neck._

_She nodded, biting her lip as he found her sweet spot. Jon pulled away and she resisted the urge to whine in protest before she moved to pull up her sweatshirt, exposing her chest to him._

_She hadn't worn a bra because well, she just hadn't. Maybe subconsciously she knew this was going to happen or she just didn't feel like looking for a clean bra before she left the dorm but yeah, no bra._

_Jon smiled at the sight, eyeing her light pink nipples like they were something he wanted to eat._

_So he did._

_Daenerys groaned, moving closer to him so she could grind her hips against his, hard. His lips attached to her left nipple, sucking on the gentle skin with a ferocity she had never known. He licked and sucked and bit and fuck, she had never been this wet._

_"Jon" she whimpered and Jon moaned in approval. He must've liked when she said his name, especially like this._

_The same treatment he gave her left nipple was given to her right and fuck, she liked this. She really liked this. She resisted the urge to whine in protest when he pulled away and instead took note of his movements. His arms moved to set her down on the ground before he started the descent down her midrift._

_Daenerys watched in awe as his lips moved to work as he fumbled with the waistline of her sweatpants, she lifted herself up with her arms so he could slide them off. She breathed in sharply at the feel of her bare cunt being exposed to the cold of Jon's air conditioned apartment. She had no reason to not wear underwear so, maybe she wanted this to happiness._

_"You smell so fucking good, god you're soaked baby." He mumbled before kissing down her adbdomen as his hand laid her down against his counter. She breathed in sharply as she felt he breath ghost over her clothed cunt. He ran a single finger down her slit and she sighed in content. This was good, this was really good._

_Her stomach constricted with anticipation as he moved her underwear to the side._

_"Jon please-ah!"_

_His tongue traced up and down her folds until it finally found her sweet spot. Dany hissed as Jon licked and sucked at her clit. Her hands made a home of Jon's hair as he lapped at her folds and gods, she must've sounded like a bitch in heat but she couldn't help it, this man's mouth. A gift from the gods above. It had to be._

_She felt his calloused fingers trace over her folds before she felt two of his fingers slide into her hole and she cried out in pleasure. His fingers worked his way through her, curling inside her all while he tongue moved against her clit. She closed her eyes, biting hard enough to almost break the skin of her lip as he worked._

_A violent flutter surged through her and the familiar heat of her impending orgasm threatened to consume her. She could feel it coming like the water of a dam threatening to burst against its cracking wall, and her wall was cracking. It was falling, it was-_

_"I'm cumming, Jon I-fuck!"_

_The blinding sensation of her orgasm flushed through her, jolt after jolt of euphoria streamed through her, a silent scream pouring from her lips as it did so. Jon didn't stop, instead he road her orgasm out into another, her voice was scratchy as she moaned out his name like a prayer._

_Daenerys's toes curled as she came down from her high, she'd never thought she's see the day when a cliche like that came true for her yet here she was._

_Jon slowly stood back up, hands steadying her as his eyes drank in her wrecked body, gaze dark and filled with lust and god, all she wanted was to have this man inside her._

_"Daenerys-"_

_"I'm clean, tested last month and haven't had sex since. Been on the pill since I was sixteen. You?" She breathed out._

_Jon laughed at her eagerness before nodding, "went with my brother last week, haven't had sex since, clean as a whistle."_

_She smiled lazily at him, pushing herself back with the little strength she had. She opened her legs, putting each on opposite sides of the counter._

_"Then fuck me Jon Snow"_

_Watching his grey eyes turn a dark black sent a shiver down her spine, she watched as he grabbed the waistline of her underwear, ripping them off with no regard. Normally, she would be pissed because those cost her twenty five bucks but at the moment, she couldn't find a single fuck to give. She watched as he undid his belt, pulling down both his pants and boxers all at once. tugged the down the rest along with his boxers. He hoisted himself up on the counter, moving in between her legs until he was aligned with her entrance._

_"No teasing" she mumbled, moving her core against his. Jon smiled, moving down to brush her lisp as he sunk himself into her._

_Dany sighed in content, gods he felt good, so so good. She moaned sweet nothings into his ear as he groaned into her's._

_"You feel so good baby, so good." She mumbled out. His pace was perfect, not too fast, not too slow and fuck it felt good. His hand traveled under her thigh, pulling it up, hitting a new depth as he did. He moved in and out, over again and Daenerys felt the familiar build up coursing through her. Her hands scraped against his back in pleasure, as she felt his thrusts grow sloppier._

_She pulled him closer to her, loosely wrapping her legs around the small of her back. Daenerys could feel every inch of him, over and over again. Each time, he filled her up, like he was made for her and vice versa. Like a missing puzzle finally finding its place._

_The familiar violent flutter in the base of her stomach before it crashed into her, Daenerys saw white and her vision blurred as the overwhelming feeling enveloped her once again. She felt him twitch inside her, moaning a little because of the sensitivity before he followed suit, loosing himself inside her. She didn't think he pulled out but she didn't care, it was better like that, it felt good. It all was just too fucking good to be reality. But it was, Jon would have the nail scars on his back and she would feel the ghost of tonight with every step she took tomorrow to prove it._

_"Fuck Daenerys that was..." he started, trailing off as his eyes met her's. There was a look in them that made her heart flicker in her chest as she stared back._

_"Yeah, I know."_

_~~~~_

_"So are we going to talk about what happened the other day or are you just going to keep avoiding me until we leave this university and never see each other again?"_

_It had been weeks since that night and in the morning, Jon woke up in his bed alone. Alone. No Targaryen in sight. They had spent the night together, he convinced her to stay over and when she said yes, he thought it meant something. That they could mean something. Now he just felt like a dumbass.._

_She avoided him like the plague, in class, at the library and the only communication they had had since that night were her incredibly formal emails that updated him about the state of her half of the project. Jon hated it._

_He hated the weird awkwardness that consumed the two of them every time they were in the same room together. He hated how normal confident Daenerys turned into this overly shy human being who couldn't even meet his gaze when he looked at her. Maybe it was a mistake, what they did._

_That was bullshit and he knew it. They both liked what they did, shit, they both loved it._

_And Jon, he liked her, he really fucking liked her. He liked her passion for school and anything she took interest in. He liked how she took control of chaotic situations, she practically taught the class the day Professor Lannister was a half an hour late. She was funny too, the kind of dry crass humor that took you by surprise and made you laugh harder than you ever intended. And as much as she acted cold, she was kind and overwhelmingly warm when she wanted to be._

_The sex was incredible, fucking amazing. But that wasn't the only thing Jon wanted. There was this moment after, when he had gotten her settled and she was lying on his chest. She fell asleep before him and just hearing her breath against him, the comfort of her presence. She was just, he didn't know how to describe it. How she made him feel in that moment, how much peace she bought him in that moment._

_He wouldn't mind that feeling every night for the rest of his life._

_And yeah, that was fucking terrifying but he wasn't the one running away from it._

_She was, so either she was just as fucked about her feelings as him or she just, didn't feel the same._

_Was the sex bad?_

_No._

_So it had to be the first one, it had to be._

_Hopefully._

_"Jon I-" a flicker of emotion that he couldn't read, surprise and something else, was in her eyes but it was gone as soon as it came. Replaced with the coldness that she showed so many others, she was putting up her walls._

_"Did you get my emails?"_

_She was trying her hardest to make her voice seem as detached as possible. He wasn't buying it._

_"Cut the shit Daenerys, why are you avoiding me?"_

_This time she didn't bother hiding her shock, "I-I'm not."_

_"Yes, you are. For the past two weeks you've been treating me I'm carrying the ebola virus. I don't get it. Was the sex-was the sex bad?"_

_He sounded like an insecure high school freshmen when he asked but he had to know, what if she faked it? He didn't think she did but how was he to know if she was really gett-_

_"No, no." She responded, a little too quickly. Jon watched in amusement as her face flushed, a playful smirk dancing on his lips. He knew it._

_"Okay then, well what is it? Because I can't keep assuming the worst and wondering what I did to make you so...distant."_

_She sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose as she tried to form the right words. Daenerys didn't do this, hook up with guys. One night stands always made her uncomfortable and Jon wasn't just some guy. He was her project partner and sleeping with him was a really dumb impulsive decision on both their parts._

_It wasn't even the sex that was the problem, it was the way the sex made her feel afterwards. She shouldn't have stayed, he shouldn't have held her the way he did. Sex was one things but intimacy was something else entirely. Jon had soothed her body and soul that night, in a way she hasn't let anyone even attempt to do in years._

_She woke up before him, and she found herself doing something strange._

_Admiring him as he slept, taking in all that he was in his tranquil state._

_She felt like a fucking creep for it, she shouldn't have been looking at him like that at all. Seeing him in a new light, in a romantic light, it was counterproductive and it wouldn't end well._

_It never ended well for her._

_"I just, I don't do that. I don't sleep around with guys especially guys who I have professional ties to and I mean there's nothing wrong with that but its just. It's not what I do and I did it with you without even thinking and then I started thinking and feeling and its just. Its not what I do Jon."_

_Her gaze met his and for the first time Jon saw something he never thought he'd see from her. Vulnerability._

_"You really don't do this kind of thing do you?"_

_She rolled her eyes, "that's literally what I just said."_

_"Well yeah, yeah, that was a stupid thing to say. My bad but I meant, that you don't really do the whole, romantic entanglements thing huh?"_

_"I used to but things never worked out in my favor" She told him truthfully and Jon didn't miss the hint of melancholy in her voice as she spoke. She had been hurt before, and badly. He knew the feeling all too well._

_"Are you implying that you want to be a romantic entanglement of mine?" Daenerys asked, eyebrows raised accusingly._

_Jon could feel the heat rise to his cheek as he looked away, sheepishly. Was he implying that?_

_"Well, yeah I guess." He mumbled, right hand scratching the back of his neck in a nervous manner as the words tumbled out of his mouth._

_"You guess?"_

_She hated the uncertainty in his voice. If she was going to do this, she needed to know that he was all in. That he wanted her for all that she was. She wanted him to be sure, she needed him to be._

_Jon looked up to see Dany's unimpressed expression gazing right back at him._

_"Well, no. I mean yes, I don't guess. I would like to be a romantic entanglement of yours." He said, a little more certain than before but still, it didn't warrant the reaction he was hoping for._

_"Well then Jon Snow, if that's you're usual technique when asking a girl to go out with you, it needs vast improvement."_

_Jon hadn't even realized she had been packing up until it was too late. He laughed anxiously as a small smile formed on her face._

_"I'll see you around Snow." she told him, walking past and towards the library exit._

_They had a session tomorrow, fuck would she even show up?_

_"Daenerys" he called after her, probably gaining the attention of everyone in the building but he didn't care._

_"We still on for tomorrow?"_

_She grinned at him and Jon felt his heartbeat quicken at the action, "of course."_

_He smiled back at her before she turned and left the building altogether. He felt giddy as she watched her leave, Robb was going to get a kick out of this._

_"Hey man, shut the fuck up!" A voice sounded, pulling Jon out of his lovesick state._

_Yeah, that was his cue to leave._

_When he showed up the next day, there she was. Hair pulled back into her signature braids, eyes focused on her economics textbooks, pen between her lips as she read and the amount of relief that flooded through him was unparalleled. He took note of her jacket and smiled to himself._  
_._  
_Spider-man huh? He didn't take her for a superhero fan. He guessed there were a lot of things he didn't know about her._

_For the next few sessions they met up and did everything they were supposed to. Something however, had shifted between the two of them. An ease, a trust being established between them. It was nice, Jon found himself looking forward to seeing her in that library every Tuesday and Thursday. It was a highlight of his weeks and slowly but surely, he had gotten the courage to ask her out. Properly at least._

_Jon went to get her coffee, he didn't know her order so he just took a wild guess and prayed to the gods that she didn't have any allergies._

_"Hey, you got me coffee?" she greeted him, breaking into a smile as he handed her the cup._

_"Yeah, I figured this was better than flowers or something."_

_She was allergic to them, except for this rare blue rose her mother had gotten her before she died. He thought getting her that but it was five hundred dollars, not including shipping and preservation and Jon was a broke college kid so that wasn't really an option._

_Coffee would have to do._

_Daenerys shot him an unsteady smile, not sure what he meant by that._

_"Yeah, I like coffee, who told you my or-"_

_"Do you wanna see Spider-man: Into The Spiderverse this weekend with me?" Jon blurted out._

_The anxiety of asking her had been killing him ever since he set the order for the early screening tickets a few days ago. He had been thinking over and over again of how to ask and how to say it, not like that definitely not like that. But when they came in the mail last night, the anticipation had only worsened. He figured he could only hold it in for so long._

_Daenerys stared at him, eyes wide as he nervously pulled the tickets from his back pocket._

_"Sorry, I should've let you finish. The anxiety was just killing me and-"_

_"Are you shitting me Jon?" She asked, confusion set in and his eyebrows furrowed. Maybe he had got it wrong, what if she didn't like Spider-man? What if it was just a friend's sweatshirt? Oh this was a mistake, this was ab bad idea. He should've just asked her to dinner or something._

_"What? No, I just-"_

_She cut him off suddenly, the sound of her chair scraping against the ground as she leapt from it and threw her arms around his neck._

_"I have been talking about this movie for months with Missandei. I tried to get tickets last minute to an early screening and I was too late. Gods, you have no idea what this means to me." She mumbled into his neck as his hands snaked around her waist, hugging her back._

_"Thank you" she whispered, pulling away from him. Jon smiled down at her as she did the same up at him._

_"Your welcome, it's a date then." He mumbled, eyes flickering to her lips as he did so._

_"Yeah, its a date." she agreed._

_He could feel himself leaning into her and god, he hadn't kissed her in weeks._

_"No fraternizing in the library." They pulled apart and Jon resisted the urge to groan. He looked over to catch sight of an elderly librarian scolding the pair of them and Daenerys laughed. The sound caught him off guard but it warmed his heart all the same._

_"We should get back to work." She told him and he nodded reluctantly, pulling away from her embrace and watching as she made her way back to her seat._

_Jon smiled before following her lead, pulling his laptop from his bag after he sat down._

_"Oh fuck!"_

_He looked over at Daenerys, eyes wide with concern._

_"What? What is it? What happened?"_

_She laughed at him, that sound never failed to make his heart flutter against his rib cage._

_"This coffee. It's disgusting."_

Jon laughed at the memory, hands tracing over the old ticket stub as he did so.

He was alone again, well not alone entirely. Ghost was by his side for the first time in three weeks and it felt good, having him here that is. The Alaska Malamute was his best friend and the only companion who's company he valued at all times. Well, the only companion who was still around.

Ghost nuzzled his chin and Jon smiled, hands moving to scratch behind his ears.

Today was better than the day before. Not as bad as it could've been, not as good as it used to be. But it was fine, his loneliness wasn't as all consuming as it usually was. That was good, well it was an improvement.

For the first time in a long time, Jon felt, well, adequate. He felt fine.

Like maybe he could get through this after all.

Sansa and Arya had come over earlier and helped him clean the train wreck of his apartment, it almost felt like home again. Like her again, not just her absence.

He found this old box she hid beneath their bed, full of memories that he had been forcing himself to relive for the past few months. Dany called it her memory box. Tokens of their relationship hidden inside. She always managed to focus on the good that every item had brought her. Maybe that was his problem, he always focused on the loss they reminded him off. Always the deficiency of it. Never the feeling of happiness it had once brought him.

He couldn't dwell, or reside in the lack of her presence like he'd been doing for the past few months. Not anymore. He had to at least attempt to be better, to not completely lose himself in this. She wouldn't want him to shut down without her. Without them.

He had to move on. Or at least attempt too.

And in order to do that, he needed to do the one thing he had been dreading since it happened.

"I'm gonna do it Ghost." He mumbled to the dog beside him, as he placed the ticket ever so gently back in its container.

"I'm gonna say goodbye to your mommy. We're gonna say goodbye to Dany. I think-I think it's time "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please lmk what you guys thought, this is like the longest chapter I've ever written. Feedback is so important, especially on the smut because it's only my second time writing it. Oh and if you guys know how to insert visuals, particularly with a cell phone. I could really use that advice, I have some aesthetics for the chapters that I really want to show you guys. Next update should hopefully be next week, if not next then definitely the week after. 
> 
> Hope you liked it. ♡♡♡


	3. And I won't feel it, even when I'm bursting into flames

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seeing her like this, it hurt. 
> 
> Seeing her like this, it broke him.

When Jon woke later that night, he knew it would be a bad day. 

 

All the bittersweet feelings of remembrance had seemingly gone down the drain the moment he reached for her warmth out of habit, only to be met by the cold emptiness of her side of the bed. The pain of that night, what he'd lost flashed through his mind all at once. He remembered the impact and how it felt, the flicker of police sirens as he sat helplessly and watched the madness unfold. 

 

He shouldn't have been driving, he shouldn't have been near the wheel but yet he was.  His emotions had clouded his judgement for just one moment and he ended up losing everything in an instant. 

 

The weight of it all flooded through his body as he lied there, not able to find the strength to get out of bed. Not yet. 

 

He laid there for hours, mulling over the memories like they had  taken place. Like a horror film that plagued his mind day in and day out. Except you could always turn a horror film off when it became too much because it was just that, a film. A fictional sequence of events that could never happen in real life and it had virtually zero effects on the viewer when it ended because it wasn't real. It didn’t happen, especially to them. 

 

Unfortunately, memories were all too real. A series of events that had taken place and changed his life for the worst. Jon didn't think there'd ever be a day where he'd be able to move past it. What he had felt staring into that box, whatever allowed him to dwell on the good and not the bad, it was gone. Vanished without a trace. 

 

The familiar feel of fur on his side forced Jon away from his thoughts. The sun was beginning to rise as Ghost moved to comfort his companion. He let the gentle beast nudge him out of his confines and he reluctantly made his way to the bathroom. 

 

The reflection in the mirror was no surprise, he looked exactly how he felt. Like shit. 

 

His skin was paler than usual, eyes red from the seemingly endless tears he shed on a daily basis. Crying to himself about those events felt like second nature at this point, an instinct or a habit he didn’t quite understand how to break. He was skinnier than before and the dark circles under his eyes were conspicuous. 

 

Jon had lost track of how many times someone he cared for had tried to assure him that the responsibility of what had taken place wasn’t his to bear, he knew better. He was the one behind the wheel that night, he was the one he got distracted and he was the one who lost control of the car. He was the one to blame. 

 

Nothing and no one could change that. 

 

Jon turned his head, looking back at the bed he had left. His eyes caught sight of the black silk pillow she had insisted they'd get for the bedroom when they went shopping for the loft. His mind fluttered close, drifting away to memories he couldn't escape and wasn’t sure he wanted to. 

 

_ "Enough Snow, enough!" Dany laughed maniacally from beneath him. The silver blonde hair she had recently cut into a bob was sprawled out around her and she looked absolutely breathtaking. She clutched the smooth material of her pillow for dear life, trying to keep it in front of her at all costs, blocking her bare face from his view and more importantly, his camera lense.  _

 

_ He laughed from his position on top of her, he was straddling her waist,  left hand grasping the top of the pillow in an effort to remove the barrier from his view. He snapped a few hazy photos with his right hand, they would probably come out blurry but he didn’t care. She should’ve known this would become a top priority for him when she had gotten him the camera for Christmas three weeks ago.  _

 

_ "No, you're too beautiful. I gotta capture it Dany."  _

 

_ It was true, she was beautiful. The most beautiful woman in the world to him and she was at her most beautiful in this moment. As natural as she came, laughing like a mad man and especially underneath him.  _

 

_ She had this weird thing about not being caught on camera without makeup on and Jon couldn't fathom why. He loved everything about her face, the constellations of freckles that danced across the bridge of her nose and the apples of her cheeks. He loved the way her lashes curled above her eyelids and the speck of a mole on her upper lip.  _

 

_ It was difficult to make out unless you had taken time to study her features, sketch them in your free time on the rare occasion that she allows you too. Jon was lucky enough to have gotten the opportunity to do all the above.  _

 

_ To know each and every crevice and curve of her body and face. He mapped out the stars against her skin, connecting each freckle and the occasional mole with the trail of his lips. Tracing and memorizing them with his fingers, she was a work of art and he never wanted her to forget it.  _

 

_ She inspired the artist in him, the artist that had been dead for years. She was a muse, the feeling she sparked within him made him want to paint and draw and capture the beauty of the world again. Business was one thing but it lacked passion unlike Art, it was all it was. _

 

_ Daenerys had reminded him of that and he wanted to capture her every single chance he got.  _

 

_ "Jon seriously, please." Her smile betrayed her words but nevertheless, he removed his hand from the pillow. _

 

_ Dany shot him a grateful look, letting her guard down as she thanked him. Like a fool.  _

 

_ Before she could realize what was happening, he ripped the pillow from her hands and tossed it across the room. She gasped, eyes sparkling with amusement and disbelief. Like the wolf he was raised to be, he attacked. Left hand moving to tickle her torso and Daenerys shrieked in laughter. Just like that, Jon got his shot. She kicked from underneath him, in a frenzied state of laughter as he snapped photo after photo while tickling her.  _

 

_ "I hate you so much." She breathed in between laughs and Jon grinned.  _

 

_ "Sure you do." He stopped and she pouted, a playfulness in her gaze.  _

 

_ Jon  _ _ placed the camera on the table carefully beside her before Dany could bring him down. She attached their lips frantically, kissing him with the same fierceness he loved about her.  _

 

_ He should've known it was a tactic but damn it, she was a great kisser.  _

 

_ Her hands trailed from his shoulders and back until they rested on his sides. He didn't recognize her angle but if he had, he probably wouldn’t have cared. And then, she put her revenge plot in place. _

 

_ Jon broke away from the kiss, laughter erupting from him as her fingers danced across his skin. Digging in just enough for his torso to tighten uncomfortably, fits of chuckles leaving him as Dany giggled. _

 

_ "Truce, Truce!" He breathed out helplessly and she smirked triumphantly before coming to a halt.  _

 

_ He looked down at her, gray eyes meeting her violet.  _

 

_ "You are a cruel woman Daenerys Targaryen."  _

 

_ Her smirk widen into a smile and his heart fluttered at the sight, "you started the game Jon Snow, I just happened to finish it."  _

 

_ He smile turned wicked as he peered down at her, "well then maybe you can finish something else for me hmm?" He whispered and she laughed. Gods, she was maddening.  _

 

_ "Is that so?" She teased and he nodded, leaning down to attach his lips to her neck as another fit of laughter escaped her body.  _

 

_ The sound filled his heart with joy, he loved it. So loud and completely unappealing, but it was her’s so it was perfect.  _

 

_ Everything about Daenerys was perfect.  _

 

_ Well, perfectly imperfect that is.  _

 

Jon sighed, pushing the memory away and turning to face himself once again. He looked jaded and he was but he knew he’s looked worse. Being tired was something he had grown used to. But it wasn’t the kind of tired that consumed someone before they drifted to sleep. It was the kind of tired that seeped right through your bones and into your soul. It made emotions weary and thoughts draining. 

 

Jon had been tired for a long time now. 

 

He decided to ignore the stranger staring back at him, if he did he would only think of her. What he was like with and before her. It wasn’t this, he had never been like this.  He remembered what his mother had told him in private the night she had finally met her. 

 

_ “You look happy Jon, healthy and strong too. Whatever she’s doing, it’s good for you.”  _

 

Jon had replayed Ashara’s words to himself often when they were together. Whenever he got caught in the moment of admiring her, whether it’d be her smile or her wit, he’d always think back to the words of his mother and it’d warm his soul. 

 

Now all it did was make him feel cold. Alone. 

 

He pushed the thought away as he stripped and turned on the shower. Once inside, he let the warmth cascade over him like a gentle embrace that he hadn’t had in so long. Jon stayed there, underneath the heat until the warmth against his skin ran cool, like ice. Slowly he dressed, pushing back the anxious thoughts that swam inside his mind as he did. 

 

He hadn’t seen her in months, the last time he saw her. Lying there, like a ghost of herself. He couldn’t-he couldn’t stomach it. 

 

He needed to be stronger than he had before, somehow. He needed to be the man he thought himself to be so long ago. He needed to be better than before, he needed to be secure. He needed to be the man that his family once saw him as. 

 

The man she saw him as. The man she loved and the man she thought she deserved. The man she wanted to spend the rest of his life.  

 

His gaze halted on the scars that littered his abdomen as he buttoned his flannel. His breathing hitch as his fingers shakily traced over them. A reminder of what he’d done ingrained his skin for the rest of his life. His eyes shut tight as the familiar storm of his emotions raged inside him once again. 

 

His heart pumped violently within his chest, his mind filled with noise. Too much noise, his lungs hurt and he could feel himself spiral. He breathed in deeply, finding it harder and harder with each attempt. 

 

Fuck! 

 

Jon’s eyes shot open and with shaky hands he moved to his bathroom mirror, forcing himself to open it and grab the orange bottle he hadn’t looked at in weeks. He was supposed to be getting better, this wasn’t supposed to be happening. He wasn’t supposed to need them anymore. His fingers wrapped around the white cap as he struggled to force it open.

 

A strew of curses left his lips as he tried desperately to force the noise away. To force it all away, he just wanted it to be quiet. Just for a minute. 

 

By some stroke of luck, it opened and Jon reached for two of the familiar white pills. He didn’t hesitate in swallowing them dry. 

 

He slammed the bottle down against the sink, knocking a few over but he didn’t care. His hands wrapped into fists against the cool metal sink and he closed his eyes once again. Trying to remember what the doctors had told him when he was in situations like this. Breathe, he just needed to breathe and focus on one thing. 

 

His left hand unwrapped itself and he found the warmed metal of his wedding band. The familiar texture of the metal was enough to ground him back to earth, either that or the medication was beginning to set in but his breathing became easier. A natural instinct instead of a struggle he had to endure. 

 

When he opened his eyes again and looked at the broken mess in front of him, it was too much. 

 

Tears began to flow before he could stop them as he backed away. 

 

Jon’s back hit the wall and he slid to the ground. Images of her, bloodied and almost drained of life flashed in his mind over and over. He remembered how blinding the light had been that took over senses before he lost control completely. 

 

Her scream before deafening silence followed, the smell of gasoline and the taste of blood on his lips.

 

He cried. Harder than he had in months, hard enough to leave his throat sore and his chest gasping for breath. Enough a dull headache in its midst.

 

He doesn’t know how long he sat there, losing himself in the memories that had gotten him to this moment. To this place. 

 

The door pushed open and through blurry vision Jon could make out the silhouette of Bran’s lanky body. 

 

Was it three already? 

 

“Jon” his voice was soft and full of pity. Gods, he hated it. He hated it so much. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, he was supposed to be the strong older brother who never feared a thing. Who took care of him, who protected him. Yet here they were.

 

Bran bent down and pulled his older brother into his arms, holding him against his body. Jon cried harder into his shirt, gripping his arm for dear life. 

 

“It’s not your fault, it’s not Jon. You have to know that.” 

 

But he didn’t. He didn’t know it and no matter how many times he heard those words from the people he loved. He not once believed them, not once. 

 

Jon didn’t say anything, just closed his eyes and waited for the storm to come to a halt. 

 

By three thirty, it had calm. Bran left him alone in the bathroom and Jon got himself together. Managing to button his flannel without the thought of that night consuming him once again. He thought he was pathetic, how his own body could trigger a break down like that on multiple occasion. 

 

When he stepped out, all four of his siblings stood waiting for him in his bedroom. Concern and pained expression written all over their faces. He forgot that Sansa had planned this, he supposed it was for some kind of support but all he felt in the moment was shame. They had all beared witness to another one of his crack-ups and it made Jon feel even smaller than he already did. He just wanted to be feel normal. Like himself. 

 

He was afraid he never would again.  

 

“Jon” Robb started but he shook his head, moving to grab his phone and keys from his bedside table. 

 

“Look, we don’t have to do this. We knew it hurt but we had no idea it was this bad.” Sansa told him, her voice fragile and soft. Lik she was speaking to a child and he couldn’t help the anger that bubbled inside of him. 

 

“I lost both my children Sansa and I’m about to lose the love of my life because of that night. It’s always been this bad.” He seethed, his gaze cold and steely. Sansa flinched and he softened, he shouldn’t have done that. His anger was directed at himself, not the people trying to help him through this. 

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t mea-” 

 

“Its fine Jon. Its fine.” She told him, not meeting his gaze. 

 

The room grew silent and shit, Jon had never told them about the twins did he? They had found out the day before and we’re going to announce it at Ned and Catelyn’s anniversary party. They never made it and Jon never told anyone, until now. 

 

It had only made everyone feel worse, he shouldn’t have said anything. He wanted to apologize but he knew it wouldn’t do any good. He sighed, glancing over at the clock. 

 

**3:55**

 

“We should get going, visiting hours are over at six.” Jon told them,  surprised looks from each of his siblings. 

  
“You still wanna go?” Rickon asked and Jon sighed, nodding in the sixteen year old’s direction. 

 

“Yeah, umm. I think I should.” 

 

“Jon, you don’t-” Arya started but he cut her off. 

 

“No, its umm, its like what you said. I need to say goodbye and umm-” he paused, his hands finding themselves fumbling with the ends of his shirt. “-tommorow’s the last day before they…” he couldn’t finish. 

 

“Jon I-” 

 

“I have to do this.”

 

The finality in his tone was heard and nobody pressed him on it again. 

 

He needed to say goodbye before it was too late. 

 

Robb and Arya both nodded in understanding while Rickon, Sansa and Bran stared at him. Worry laced in their gazes but he couldn’t dwell on this, he had to do this. 

 

“There’s room in the car with Arya if you need a ride?” Bran offered but Jon shook his head. 

 

“No, I think the drive alone will do me some good.” 

 

“Jon the last time y-” 

 

“Yeah I know but I’ve already had one episode today, I doubt it’ll happen again.” He told Robb. 

 

It was clear he wanted to argue but Jon didn’t wait. Instead he moved past them and exited his bedroom. He needed the quiet the solitude gave him, as much as he loved Arya, he needed to be alone. Just for awhile. 

 

The first time he tried to drive his car after the accident, he barely made it out of the parking spot before the panic began to set in. 

 

But he had been trying over the last few months, short trips down the street and eventually to the store. He had made progress on the days he felt like trying. 

 

He wanted to try today, he wanted to make it today. Just to prove something, not to his siblings but to himself. 

 

That he could function properly in her absence. And that he could do this without her. 

The harsh wind of winter hit him as he stepped outside of his flat. He had a coat in the car so there was no need to go back inside. Quickly he made his way down the steps and towards the familiar sight of his 1969 Chevrolet Camaro RS. His uncle had given it to him when he was a teenager and he had driven it around until he and...until he bought another one. 

 

Hesitantly, he pulled open the driver’s seat and got inside. 

 

He spotted the familiar brown leather of the pilot jacket his uncle, Arthur had given to him when he was a boy. It made him smile, just for a moment. 

 

She had made fun of him for it the first time she caught him wearing it. She always knew how to make him laughed.

 

_ Daenerys chucked as she stared at her boyfriend in mock horror, “gods, take that thing off!”  _

 

_ Jon smiled, strutting towards her which only made her laugh harder. Jon Snow did not strut.  _

 

_ “You don’t like it?”  He asked, shimmying a little in her direction as she cringed.  _

 

_ “You look like a bad top gun cosplay.” She told him truthfully, moving her place on their couch to start at him.  _

 

_ He laughed at that, moving closer as she looked at him in disgust.  _

 

_ “Come on, this isn’t doing it for ya?” She shook her head no, scooting back from a little to get her point across.  _

 

_ “Not even a little bit Snow. Take it off.”  _

 

_ She lightly shoved him away when he leaned in for a kiss and he feigned an expression of hurt.  _

 

_ “Come on, this made all my other girls go crazy in high school.”  _

 

_ That was a lie, he had only had one other serious girlfriend before her but she didn’t need to know that at the moment.  _

 

_ She smiled, a playful tint to her grin.  _

 

_ “Hmm, it’s almost as if...we’re not in high school anymore.” She told him and he frowned _

 

_ “Are you sure? Because-” he paused, spinning and doing a little Elvis thrust in the air. Dany bursted into a fit of laughter at the action. “This had gotta be one of my best moves.”  _

 

_ “Gods, take that thing off!” She screamed before chucking a pillow at him and missing.  _

 

_ “This was a gift Daenerys.” He told her as he unzipped it.  _

 

_ “I wonder why it was given away?” She asked sarcastically and Jon fumbled his eyebrows in mock anger. He took it off regardless and threw it to the other side of their couch.  _

 

_ “Okay, well that was hurtful.” He told her and she laughed again, closing her book and hopping off the couch before making her way towards him.  _

 

_ “I’m sorry baby.” she mumbled, pushing herself into his arms as she wrapped her own around his torso.  _

 

_ “Yeah well, that really hurt my feelings.” He pouted and she smiled.  _

 

_ “Is there anyway I can make it up to you.” She offered and he fought the grin that threatened to spread across his lips.  _

 

_ “I guess I can think of a few things.” He whispered, locking his eyes with hers.  _

 

_ “I bet you could.” She murmured before closing the distance between the two of them. Lips meeting his in a gentle kiss that would lead to much rougher things.   _

 

Jon blinked, pushing the memory away. 

 

He could go without a jacket for the time being. 

 

He took his eyes away from the familiar material and pushed the key into the ignition. The sound of his engine coming to life triggered a harsh beat of his heart against his rib cage. He could do this. 

 

The radio sounded and the tune of Aquilo’s You There flowed into his ears. How fitting? It must’ve been on one of the CDs Arya had given him a few years ago. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy the song, the soft melody and the whisper like voice that sounded. 

 

It gave more comfort than pain as he listened to it play. He moved to turn the heat on, letting the warm air relieve his cold skin. 

 

He pulled out of his parking space and on to the streets of King’s Landing. 

 

**There’s no sun, where is your direction?**

 

The song resonated with him in a strange way. He was tired of feeling like this, so broken and empty. He wanted to be whole again. 

 

He wasn’t sure if he deserved that. 

 

The drive was peaceful, traffic was light and he opted to take a few back roads. The somber look of the dying or dead trees matched the solemn emotions that whirled inside of him. 

 

The drive was shorter than he expected, less monumental. Maybe the soft sounds of Arya’s playlist had made it easier to handle. Her music always comforted him. 

 

King’s Landing Hospital seemed like a glass castle with the numbers of windows that covered the exterior. It’s name was written in big sleek blue lettering on the front of it, a simple declaration of the place she lied in. 

 

He remembered it flashing under red and blue lights the night they hauled her out of the ambulance and into the building. He followed close behind, sat in the waiting room to be treated. He remembered the anxiety and worried that consumed his soul the longer he sat there to hear what he already suspected. 

 

Jon took a breath, knuckles tightening against the steering wheel as he stared ahead. He could do this. He had to. 

 

He took the keys out of the ignition and forced himself out of the door. Robb’s ford and Arya’s (Gendry’s) Honda pulled into view of the parking lot but he didn’t stop. He didn’t wait. Instead he pushed himself across the parking lot and to the double doors at the front. 

 

The harsh wind of the north’s cold was an afterthought as he walked steadily, hands burying themselves in his jean pockets on instinct. 

 

He paused when he reached the entrance, an image of her gurney flashed before him as the paramedics rushed inside. He breathed deeply, thumb once again finding his wedding band, a quick comfort he needed. 

 

Hesitantly he stepped inside. 

 

The hospital smelt sterile, void of homeliness or warm comforts. His gaze flickered over to the waiting room, the sick and wounded sprawled amongst the cluster of chairs. Last time he was here he received the worst news of his life. 

 

Jon’s body moved without his conscience being fully aware and he found himself at the front desk. 

 

He remembered screaming at the poor man who was there last time. He remembered how horrible he had been, how much he demanded to see her and how he broke down when he told him it wasn’t possible. Robb and his father had to pull him away and console the mess he was quickly becoming. 

 

He had barely processed the injuries he had sustained from the crash but they were minor in comparison to her own. The person who was innocent got the worst of it and yet the one to blame came out barely scathed? How was that fair? 

 

It was a woman at the desk this time. 

 

The sound of the doors opening behind filled his ears and Jon knew it was the rest of his family. He didn’t look back. 

 

“How can I help you?” Her voice was high and it took everything in him not to cringe at the unfamiliar sound. 

 

“Hi, umm, I am here to see Dae-” He choked on the name. He hadn’t said it in so long, he doesn’t know why he just hasn’t.  Jon felt a familiar presence next to him and he sighed. Coughing a little to regain his composure. 

 

“I’m here to see Daenerys Ta-Tagaryen-Snow. ” 

 

He hadn’t said it aloud in months. Months. It felt foreign coming from him, like a stranger he didn’t know.  Not anymore. 

 

“And may I ask you’re relationship with the patient?” 

 

His chest tightened and he focused on the sign in sheet in front of him. 

 

“I’m-I’m her husband.” He told her after a beat of silence. 

 

The woman nodded, “well if you and your family will just sign in here. I’ll get you your visitor passes and her room number in a jiffy.” She told him, voice much to enthusiastic for a time like this. 

 

He didn’t say anything, just grabbed the pen and signed in before moving away from her and Robb and taking a seat next Arya. 

 

“You alright.” She asked once he was seated and he nodded. 

 

He wasn’t but there never seemed to be a time where he was nowadays. She knew that but didn’t press, he liked when she didn’t press. 

 

It felt like hours, sitting in that uncomfortable plastic chair before Robb returned with their visitor passes. It was probably only a few minutes but anxiety does wonders. 

 

He stood with the rest of his siblings and followed them. Room 356. 

 

Their made their way down corridors and up an elevator before they were on the right floor. Jon took note of how easily they knew that route, like it was ingrained in their minds. He was mad at himself for not knowing it in the war they did. 

 

As they turned down the last hall, Jon looked up from his boots and caught sight of familiar silver-blonde hair. 

 

What happened next? He’s not really sure. 

 

He hadn’t realized he called Daenerys’ name until Rhaella was standing and staring at him. A burning hatred in the violet eyes Dany had inherited. Her hair was longer than Dany’s, he should’ve realized.

 

“Why is he here? Why now?” She was screaming and guilt racked through Jon’s body at the question. He had taken her daughter away from her, he understood her anger completely. 

 

“Rhaella-” He knew it was her father who said it, Aerys. Jon didn’t like him and he knew that the feeling was mutual but he had always gotten along with Rhaella. At least before the accident. 

 

“He abandoned her Aerys! He put in her in the hospital! He destroyed my daughter!” 

 

He hadn’t even noticed her charging towards him or maybe he just didn’t care. She shoved him back but he didn’t budge. He deserved it, her entire wrath. There were tears in her eyes as she hit his chest repeatedly, spewing curse after curse to him until both Robb and her husband pulled her away. He didn’t feel the force of her on his body, maybe he was too numb to register it. 

 

She screamed bloody murder and cried. He didn’t know everything she said, some it in Valyrian but the last sentences, he fully understood. 

 

“He killed my daughter! He killed my baby!” 

 

Tears flowed down his cheeks as he watched the inconsolable woman be carried away by her husband to another part of the hospital. 

 

Rhaegar stood and made his way towards them after the scene had unfolded. 

 

“I’m sorry, she’s just, she’s been taking this hard and she needs someone to blame. Its not your fault an-” 

 

“Yes it is.” He stopped him, not wanting to hear the same shit everyone else had been trying to convince him of. 

 

“Jon-” Arya started but he shook his head. 

 

“I was driving and I shouldn’t have been. I should’ve-” 

 

“How were you supposed to know there was a drunk driver coming your way? Rhaella had no right to-” 

 

“She had every right. She had every right.” He mumbled, cutting Sansa off on a rant he knew was coming. 

 

“Jon-” Bran started but he shook his head, hand moving to wipe the stray tears that had fallen from his face. Rhaegar nodded at him but didn’t say a word to defend Jon or his mother. He looked tired, the most un-Rhaegar like Jon had ever seen him. Jon used to think her family was picture perfect, at least physically. 

 

Maybe he ruined the final part of them that they had left. Rhaegar turned away and off into the direction his father had taken his mother without a word. It had been silent much too long and Jon felt the need to speak for the first time in a long time.

 

“Uh, where-where is she?” 

 

He turned to face them and Rickon nodded, pointing to a door a few feet away from him. 

 

Cautiously Jon stepped forward, he ignored the tightening in his chest and the rapid beating of his heart as his hand wrapped around the cool metal of the handle. He focused on his feet, his work boots that she hated and the patterns of the tile beneath this.

 

He needed to do this. 

 

It was time. 

 

Slowly, he opened the door. Anxiety rising as he did so. 

 

His gaze traveled from the patterned floor, to the bed and finally to her. 

 

He breathed in sharply and gods, she looked like a ghost. A beautiful ghost in the place of the beautiful woman who had been the epitome of what it meant to be alive. There was no trace of her in the corpse he stared upon. 

 

It was too much. 

 

He shouldn’t have done this. He shouldn’t have come, he shouldn’t have listened to Arya. It was too much. Too much too soon. Too much in general. 

 

Seeing her like this, it hurt. 

 

He remembers it hurting before it breaking.  

 

Seeing her like this, it broke him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I don't know if it was clear in the chapter but Jon suffers from anxiety and PTSD because of the accident. I don't suffer from either of those fortunately so I'm not sure if I gave an accurate portrayal, let me know if I can improve in anyway. Thank you and I hoped you enjoyed it.


	4. And I won't feel it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jon says goodbye.

_ “Jon, come on baby get in the car.” Daenerys whispered in his ear as she tried to keep him standing upright. He was stumbling, he wasn’t sure he’d even be able to walk without her holding him up. That’s what a little too much alcohol did to you he supposed.  _

 

_ “She doesn’t want me Dany, why doesn’t she want me?” Jon found himself mumbling out, like a whiny child and he wanted to cringe at his own emotion. Daenerys sighed, taking more of his weight onto her shoulder as he felt himself lean farther to the right than he should’ve. _

 

_ She steered them towards their car and Jon couldn’t help the guilt he felt. She was the pregnant one, he was supposed to be holding her up, not the other way around.  _

 

_ Dany laughed and Jon’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, “I don’t mind holding you up every once in awhile” She joked and Jon’s eyes widened as he gasped overdramatically. _

 

_ Could she hear his thoughts? _

 

_ “No baby, you’re just thinking out loud.”  _

 

_ Oh shit! Gods, he was fucked up wasn’t he? _ __   
  


_ He looked over at his wife and she didn’t say anything. Good, he’s glad he got that under control.  _

 

_ “I’m sorry I ruined our dinner.” He slurred out and Dany shook her head. She was disappointed in him and he knew it, this was even worse than her being angry. At least angry Dany lead to make-up sex, disappointed Dany just lead to long talks and light kissing, if he was lucky he’d get to eat her out to show her how sorry he was but that was a rarity.  _

 

_ He wouldn’t mind eating her out right now, especially when she looked like that. How is that his wife got even hotter when she was pregnant? Only she could do it, azor ahai, he really did marry one of the prettiest people on the planet didn’t he?  _

 

_ Oh fuck! Can she hear him?  _

 

_ Jon looked down at the strong pretty tiny woman, eyes a little too wide to be inconspicuous but if she had heard, she didn’t let on. He breathed a sigh of relief at that, she’d probably scold him and make it a point to get him to sleep without anything happening. _

 

_ No sexy times when the other person can’t say a full sentences without slurring their words. It was a good rule but Jon was always so impulsive when he was drunk and she was always so pretty.  _

 

_ “You didn’t ruin it, she did. ” She told him, seething a little as the words escaped her lips. Jon had already known how much Dany hated his birth mother, Ashara. She didn’t like the way she made him feel and Jon didn’t like it much either. Ashara had always made him feel so small, so unimportant. _

 

_ He felt ashamed for tonight, he was a grown ass man who still let his mother make him feel like this. He should’ve been over his mommy issues by now, but seeing her tonight.  With a family she loved more than she had ever cared for him was a breaking point. The day had already been a little shit in the first place and hat was just what he needed to tip him off the edge. Just enough to get stupid drunk and make a fool of himself before Dany told them they had to leave.  _

 

_ It wasn’t even his mother’s presence, not really.  _

 

_ It was the fact that she she saw him. Jon knew she did and she just, pretended he didn’t exist. Like she had been doing for most of his life.   _

 

_ Dany rubbed his back reassuringly and Jon felt a little bit more guilty at his actions. She was so understanding, he didn’t deserve it. She was so good and kind and he was a fucking mess.  _

 

_ What if he’d be a shitty parent too? Just like his mom.  _

 

_ The thought struck fear into his his heart.  _

 

_ “She just looked at me and she-she didn’t even care Dany. I’m her oldest son and she didn’t even care.” Jon rambled out, he was trying to explain himself but it came more off as him whining over his mother. His words were jumbled and his mind a little hazy, things weren’t coming out right.  _

 

_ He wanted to tell her that his mom never cared, what if he ended up like her? What if he was worse? He could feel Dany reaching inside his pocket to reach for the keys.  _

 

_ “D-Dan-”  _

 

_ “You’ve had enough. You gotta let me drive okay?” She told him softly but a sick feeling rose in his stomach at the offer. No, tha-that wasn’t a good idea.  _

 

_ “But you’re pregnant, you’re waay pregnant. You can’t.” He slurred out and Dany smiled before kissing his cheek gently.  _

 

_ “I can and I will. Way better than you right now. Just trust me love.” The nickname made his stomach flip and his heart warm. How was it that she made him feel like a love stuck teenage boy with just a simple gesture?  _

 

_ And Jon did trust her, he trusted her with his everything and so much more.  _

 

_ “Okay.”  _

 

_ She smiled and Jon couldn’t help the soft one he gave her in return. She made her way to the other side of their minivan, a gift from her older brother during their baby shower, and Jon moved to open the side door. Dany helped him in and closed it behind him.  _

 

_ Jon watched with a small smile on his face as she waddled to the other side.  _

 

_ She was so adorable and she couldn’t even help it. Jon felt like shit all over again.  _

 

_ Gods, she really was looking forward to this dinner too and he had just, he fucked up. Their schedules had been a little more hectic than usual, with Jon’s promotion and Dany trying to cement the last few details so her company would stay afloat while she went on maternity leave. Jon couldn’t imagine balancing all that while being seven months pregnant but she almost always made it look easy.   _

 

_ Almost.  _

 

_ Then she had come home last week and all he asked was ‘how was your day?’ His beautiful wife broke down, crying in his arms because she was so overwhelmed. It must’ve been a lot because Dany didn’t cry, not if she could help it. Showing vulnerability was not a strong suit of her’s but Jon had understood, after having a childhood like her own he understood completely.  _

 

_ So he suggested this dinner, at her favorite restaurant with the Dothraki kebabs she hadn’t stopped craving since her pregnancy started. He had planned it all out, a nice dinner with her favorite food and then he was going to take her home. Massage her feet while they watched Gilmore Girls as she ate the chocolates he stashed under the couch.  _

 

_ Maybe some candles, a bath with the two of them where he soothed her aching muscles and if she didn’t fall asleep right after, maybe some good old pregnancy sex. Or some cuddling, whichever she preferred.  _

 

_ Tonight was supposed to be about her and Jon let his stupid fucking emotions get to him.  _

 

_ Thinking of his mother only held bad memories, after he was born Ned told him that she suffered from postpartum depression. Jon prayed to the gods, gods he didn’t even believe in, that Dany wouldn’t suffer the same. The maternal instinct that mothers feel for their children was never there with Jon and Ashara.  _

 

_ It was like she was caring for a stranger’s son and Jon, he could pretend to not notice her forced affection and cold demeanor. That didn’t mean they weren’t there.  _

 

_ His parents divorced when he was six months old and within a year, Ned had a new wife and a  new son. Jon had spent the first eight years of his life going back and forth between his mother and father’s, he never felt quite at home at either. With his dad’s new family, it didn’t seem like he needed the old one even if he never made it out to be that way. And Ashara, Ashara avoided dealing with her own son after every chance given.  _

 

_ Jon had never felt like he belonged and when he was eight, Ashara dropped him at his father’s house on Ned’s given week. When her’s came around, she never showed.  _

 

_ Jon hadn’t seen her since.  _

 

_ Until a three years ago that is, when she reached out.  _

 

_ Jon would be lying if he said he wasn’t hopeful, he was ready to forgive her and welcome her into his life. He had always wanted a mother, even if she didn’t deserve to be his. His was willing to try if she was.  _

 

_ But she wasn’t. _

 

_ Dany had gon with him to meet with her and for a second, he thought he could have everything he had ever wanted.  The woman of his dreams and the mother he’d always craved. He was naive to believe it then and he was naive to hope for it in the first place.  _

 

_ The words that shattered that tiny dream soon left her mouth and Jon felt like she was abandoning him all over again. And it’s because, she was.  _

 

_ “I’m glad you turned out okay, you were always the sweetest little babe and now you’ve grown into an equally amazing man. Ned did a good job.” She complimented and Jon smiled, she was proud of him. She finally wanted him, to make up for lost time after all. _

 

_ But that’s not what she wanted, not even in the slightest.  _

 

_ “I’m glad we got to do this Jon. I just wanted to let you know that I’m moving back to Winterfell with my family. I thought this would be the best way to avoid any kind of awkward situation before making it official. My husband, Barristan, and my children, they don’t know about you and I’d like to keep it with that way Jon.” _

 

_ He didn’t say anything, simply tensed and nodded. Ashara thanked him, paid for the check and then left him all over again. Not even bothering to make contact after.  _

 

_ Daenerys had watched him break down for the first time in the parking lot a few minutes later. She attempted to comfort him but he couldn’t let her, he hated being around her when he was so...weak back then. He went out with Tormund that night and when he returned, he was an even bigger mess than the one he was trying to avoid being. The alcohol on his lips making him painfully honest and emotional. _

 

_ She had held him while he cried, told him he was worth more than the universe and if Ashara couldn’t see that then she was a fool.  Jon knew she hated his mother from that moment on, for making him feel lesser than she believed him to be.  _

 

_ But also from that moment on, Jon knew that she was truly the love of his life.  _

 

_ And he had let her down. He hated himself for it.  _

 

_ He was wrong for ordering the first beer, and the second. Then the pitcher despite Dany’s numerous protests and he was especially wrong for yelling at her for it, instantly regretting it. He didn’t fight her when she told him it was a good idea if they left.  _

 

_ And now, they were here.  _

 

_ Daenerys wiggled into the driver seat, squirming a bit as she adjusted herself and pulled the seat belt over her chest. Jon couldn’t help but grin lazily at her, she would never know how much he adored her would she?   _

 

_ Guilt flooded through his chest once again as his smile slipped away. He was supposed to take care of her tonight, not the other way around. She turned to look at him, eyes softening a bit as she did. She must’ve read the sadness on his face because she moved to place her right hand on his cheek. Gentle strokes from her thumb comforted his soul in only the way she could.  _

 

_ “You have a family, a family that loves you so much. Ashara missed out on the amazing man that you are and you’re not to blame. Only her selfishness and fuck her for it-.” Dany whispered and Jon cracked a smile at that.  _

 

_ “You’ve got me. And you’ve got them.” Her other hand moved his to her stomach and his warmth filled his spirit. Eyes watering a little at the beauty that was growing inside the woman he love.  _

 

_ “You’ve got us Jon Snow and that’s enough for me, I hope it’s enough for you.” She told him, hand slipping from his cheek with the last sentence. A pang flashed in his heart at her last few words and to the best of his abilities, he grabbed her face in his hands.  _

 

_ “It will always be enough. More than so. I-I’m sorry.” Jon slurred out and Dany smiled through teary eyes.  _

 

_ She kissed him tenderly before pulling away.  _

 

_ “Okay, just making sure. Let’s go home.” With that, she placed the keys in the ignition and turned, pulling out of the parking lot.  _

 

_ The radio played softly in the background and Jon smiled, he knew that sound. That tune.  _

 

_ Their wedding song.  _

 

_ “Dany, our song!” He whispered and she smiled. _

 

_ “It is.” She breathed out, moving to turn it up.  _

 

**_Like the world makes sense_ **

**_From your window seat_ **

**_You are beautiful_ **

**_Like I've never seen_ **

 

_ Jon couldn’t stop looking at her, she was. She was so beautiful and he was so lucky.  _

 

_ She was going to be his wife, the mother of their their children. He couldn’t think of a luckier man in that moment, he probably couldn’t even if his life depended on it.  _

 

**_I'll be the dangerous ledge_ **

**_You be the parachute_ **

 

_ She had saved his life. He remembered the words of her vows, the way she made it seem like he was the one who had given her new meaning to life. A reason for waking up in the morning but he didn’t save her. She saved him, she helped him heal and there wasn’t a day that went by where he wasn’t in awe of all she was.  _

 

_ She stayed with him throughout all of it, all of the tears and all of the heartbreak and loss over the past five years and even the ones before then. She was his rock. She didn’t judge him, she never did, just tried to comfort and interpret the things he went through, even if he couldn’t find the words to express it.  _

 

_ She had helped him heal and grow in ways she could never truly understand. She was the best thing to have ever happened to him, he doubted that would ever change.  _

 

_ He loved her.  _

 

_ And she loved him.  _

 

_ Not even death could change that.  _

 

_ “Dany.”  _

 

_ Her gaze flickered over to him briefly, soft violet eyes as beautiful as ever. They were on him and then back at the midnight road before he could fully appreciate them. _

 

_ “Hmm?” She answered. _

 

_ There was so much he wanted to say. So much and, fuck how could he say it?   _

 

_ “I love you. Thank you for putting up with my bullshit.” He slurred and she smiled. Not what he had in mind but it would do for now. Just until he could figure out the right way to tell her when  he was in the state of mind to do.  _

 

_ “I love you too Snow, and what else am I supposed to do? We’re married now so my bullshit is yours and your bullshit is mine. That’s never going to change.”  _

 

_ The words made him laugh as much as it made his heart soar.  He reached for the hand closest to him and she let him take it. She squeezed, and he brought her knuckles up to place a quick gentle kiss on them.  _

 

_ They drove like that for awhile in silence and solace. It was probably the most at peace they had been in weeks. Jon rubbed gentle circles on the back of her hand instinctively, head pressed against the cool glass as he watched the Winterfell pine trees race by in the dark. _

 

_ “Oh shit.” Jon’s head ripped away from the glass to face her as the words left her mouth and her hand slipped out of his. It rested on her stomach, her face lit up as her eyes flickered from the road and back to her stomach.  _

 

_ He watched as she smiled, eyes leaving the road for just a second too long.  _

 

_ “Jon, they’re kick-”  _

 

_ “DANY!”  _

 

_ The bright light of the truck behind her blinded him as she turned to face him. She looked like an angel, for that millisecond she looked like an angel.  _

 

_ And then, the impact came and hell with it.  _

 

_ The car to the side of them collided at the same time as the car to the back of them. A car Jon hadn’t even realized had been following them until he felt like he was floating before his hands flew through the windshield along with the rest of his body, throwing him from the car. The collision with the ground rippled through his entire being, a physical pain so intense he couldn’t breathe, filled him.  _

 

_ Jon’s vision went black from the pain and he blinked, once, twice and then the world began to show itself to again. He looked to his side and he saw her.  _

 

_ She was dangling from the car, eyes closed as blood dripped from her nose. Something was wrong, something was wrong. He could feel it.  _

 

_ His gaze flickered from her face to her stomach, the stomach that had shards of glass ingrained in it. In that moment, the physical pain in his body  didn’t amount to the pain that erupted in his chest. He screamed, he screamed her name so intensely that his throat ran raw. He forced himself to turn over even as every muscles and bone in his body yelled at him to stop. To just lie there but he wouldn’t.  He couldn’t.  _

 

_ That was his family, it was his family! _

 

_ “Dany!” He cried out, crawling to get to her. His pushed himself up enough to reach for the door handle, ignoring the agony in his side. And he pulled, weakly but he pulled.  _

 

_ His side was going numb as Jon yanked on the door with all the strength he could muster. He could smell gasoline, so much gas leaking from the car and Jon felt panic rise within him. No, no! He pulled and pulled and pulled, screaming in frustration when it  didn’t budge.  _

 

_ This wasn’t supposed to happen.  _

 

_ They were supposed to be happy now, th-this wasn’t supposed to happen.  _

 

_ He couldn’t lose her, he couldn’t. Panic and fear mixed through Jon’s veins as he pulled mercilessly on the door. Making the injuries he already had much worse with the actions but he didn’t care.  She couldn’t die like this, they couldn’t die like this.  _

 

_ Please not like this! _

 

_ They couldn’t die! Not his babies! Not his wife!  _

 

_ “Fuck! Fuck no!” He banged weakly on the sunken metal of the driver’s door.  _

 

_ Strong hands pulled him back and Jon screamed for them to get off. He felt himself being lifted from the ground and he cried out in pain. Still he fought to get to her.  _

 

_ He had to.   _

 

_ A man Jon didn’t recognize stepped into view, his face burned to the side as he moved towards the car door. Jon watched, eyes wide in fear and anxiety as the man used his foot to kick the glass. No! He was making it worse! _

 

_ “Stop! Please! It’s gonna-it’s gonna kill her!” Jon screamed out as he struggled to break free of the person’s grip.  _

 

_ “He’s going to get her out. Calm down.” He barely registered the womanly voice behind him, but it did nothing to ease his distress.  _

 

_ The gasoline had sparked something, fire erupted from the front of the car and Jon watched in horror as the man struggled with her seatbelt.  _

 

_ “I can’t get this damn thing off!”  _

 

_ Jon heartbeat hurt as it rammed against his chest. _

 

_ “Please! Those are my kids! It’s my wife, please!”  _

 

_ He was crying and screaming and losing his fucking mind because all he could do was stand by and watch helplessly.  _

 

_ “Fuck!” The man screamed before ripping the seatbelt off entirely. He grabbed her body before she could hit the ground, he lightly pulled her away from the wreckage just as the woman moved Jon further away too. _

 

_ He lifted her in his arms and relief flooded through Jon’s system at the sight of her chest rising and falling. And then his gaze moved to her stomach.  _

 

_ There was so much glass.  _

 

_ So much gl-his mind faded to black.   _

 

He could taste the saltiness of blood mixed with alcohol on his tongue. Smell the gasoline through his nose, and the impact in his bones. He could feel himself slipping back into the memory of that night like a nightmare he could never fully escape. 

 

A gentle hand on his shoulder brought him back to earth and Jon jumped, looking over to see Arya staring up at him. 

 

Tears had slipped from his eyes and his right hand instinctively moved to wipe them away. He couldn’t fight the wince as he did so. 

 

He had to remind himself that the pain was gone in his arm. In his whole body, but sometimes, like now, it still felt fresh. He had to remember that the wounds had healed. 

 

His mind however, was a different story. 

 

He turned back to Dany, his beautiful Dany and he could feel his chest tighten up all over again. 

 

There were scars along her face from the broken glass of the windows. Just like him. 

 

Her eyes were gently closed shut as she breathed in and out. Up and down, for the last few hours that she could. 

 

Jon had faint memories of slipping in and out of consciousness the night they were both hurried away to the ambulance. He remembers being rushed in with her, some parts of it but not all. He remembers seeing her on the gurney, unresponsive. He remembers how it felt, the fear, how it consumed him. 

 

He could never forget it. 

 

He wanted to go with her, be with her but they wouldn’t let him. He needed as much attention as she did at the time.

 

Now he was the one who was just fine while she was still trapped in here with no way out, Jon thought it was ironic. Considering that she had been the one trying to prevent an accident from happening and she was the one who ended up suffering from it the most.  

 

There were still tubes sticking in her body, but now it was just her arms and he was grateful. Until he remembered they wouldn’t be there for much longer. 

 

His breath hitched once his eyes traveled down to her stomach. His heart stopped and the anguish of that night came rushing back. 

 

It was flat. 

 

Too flat. 

 

Jon felt the loss of his children pour into his soul in that second. He’d feel that loss for the rest of his life and he’d have to carry it with him until he left this world. 

 

Now wasn’t the time though, he had grieved them. Mostly. 

 

Now, he had to say goodbye to her. 

 

“Can you give us a moment?” 

 

His voice was stronger than he felt. His siblings agreed, Robb patting his back before they left out the door as Jon moved further into the room before they closed it behind him. 

 

His gaze traveled back to her and he felt his body weaken, his resolve crumbling. 

 

His Dany was dying. 

 

He had lost his babies, their babies and now he was losing her. 

 

On shaky legs he moved toward her, focusing his breathing as he did. Telling himself not to break, not yet. 

 

He sat in the chair closest to her, feeling like his throat was on fire as he took her in. The hospital gowns were blue, not her favorite shade but still her fifth favorite color. Jon laughed at the memory of her telling him that, he didn’t think a fifth favorite color existed until then. 

 

He would give anything for her to tell him about her sixth favorite color right now. 

 

Her skin was pale, paler than before and her lips a little cracked. If she could see her hair right now she’d lose her mind. 

 

She was skinny too, too skinny. 

 

Jon caught sight of her hand and stared at it for quite some time. Finally, he reached out with trembling fingers and took her hands in his own. 

 

Her’s were still soft. It’s good to know somethings didn’t change. He brought her knuckles to his lips and kissed them gently, closing his eyes. Savoring the feeling of her skin against his own for one of the last times. His heart hammered in his chest as he tried to think of the words to say to her. 

 

This was goodbye. 

 

This was the end.

 

He repeated the two sentences in his head like a mantra, feeling his eyes burn again as he stared at his wife. The wife who was dying right in front of him, a death he had no control over.  

 

He was crumbling, he knew it. 

 

He hated Aerys in that moment, for taking her off life support. But she had been on it for ten months and everyone knew the doctors wanted to pull the plug. She hadn’t shown any signs of getting better, she was practically already a corpse. 

 

A beautiful one, but still, dead all the same.

 

Keeping her like this only added to her suffering, Jon knew that. He didn’t like that but he knew it. She didn’t deserve to suffer, she deserved the whole universe and living in this hospital bed for the rest of her life just, it wasn’t it. It didn’t even come close. 

 

“I prayed to the gods.” He found himself saying, not knowing  where it came from or whether or not she could hear his words but he had to say them anyway.

 

“Both old and new. You know I never really believed in that kind of thing before and I-I don’t know if I believe in them now but I just, I had to try you know?” 

 

She didn’t answer. 

 

Of course she wouldn’t. 

 

“And I just, I needed to see if people were right. I needed to see if they were worth believing in because all I wanted and all I needed was for you to be better. To come back to me. I-I can’t” he struggled to find the words as his throat tightened even more. Tears slipped from his brown eyes but he didn’t dare move to wipe them away This was the last time he’d ever hold her hand again, ever be near her again. Even if she wasn’t entirely here at the moment. 

 

Jon cursed himself for not coming in sooner. He should’ve been stronger, she deserved somebody stronger. He felt pathetic, he knew he was. Dany deserved better, she always had. 

 

“I-I’m sorry. I wanted to come, so many times I tried Dany. But being in the car, behind the wheel or in the passenger seat, it was like a trigger and I-I couldn’t breathe. I would just, I would just see you hanging there. Bloodied and bruised and I couldn’t do it. For so long, I couldn’t do it without shutting down and having an anxiety attack or triggering my PTSD.Maybe I-” He trailed off, thumb rubbing against the back of her palm as he swallowed against the burning tightness of his windpipe and forced himself to continue. 

 

“Maybe I didn’t want to believe it was real too. I knew it was, almost every part of me did and I replayed that night in my mind constantly but seeing it and knowing it. They’re not the same.” He breathed in deeply, reminding himself that he needed to say this. He had to. 

 

“If I hadn’t let Ashara get to me, if I hadn’t gotten drunk and you hadn’t been forced to drive, none of this would’ve happened. None of it Dany and living with that, having it haunt me, it made me weak. And you, you and little Rhaella and Lyanna, they needed someone strong. And I-I wasn’t  Dany and for that, I will always be sorry.”

 

He was crying now, choking on every other word. 

 

“Because of my mistakes, I-I lost you. I l-lost our family. We lo-lost our family. And I-I, for so long I couldn’t face that. No, I just, I didn’t want to. I was scared and I figured when you woke up you wouldn’t-you’d see me for what I was. A weak man who’s not even half as strong as you. I-I wasn’t here when you needed me most, I was ru-running away. I can’t, I won’t do that anymore.” 

 

He took a shaky breath,  holding her hand in both of his as he tried to find the words. Ignoring the seemingly endless tears that flowed from his eyes. 

 

“Daenerys Targaryen-Snow, you will never ever realize how much you changed my life. I remember on our wedding day, you said something along the lines of me making your life but Dany, you saved mine. You saved it by just being and I love you for it, I love you with all that I can and always will. That will never change. It know it.” His voice had steadied itself as he spoke again. 

 

“No one could make me laugh the way you did, no one could make me cry or feel the way that you have and I doubt anyone ever will again.” He told her, brown gaze fluttering to meet her closed ones. 

 

“If you got it in you, if you’re the dragon I remember you being. Please-” he kissed her hand again-”come back to me. This is it, this is the moment you defy the odds like you always do and you come back to me. Please.” 

 

It was pointless begging, a miracle that people like him were not afforded. But he asked anyway, sending a small prayer to the gods he didn’t believe in afterwards. 

 

Jon stayed there for hours, even after his family left. He stayed. Holding her hand until the hospital nurses told him he had to leave. He glanced out the window, the day had faded into night and Jon hadn’t even realized how long he’d been here. 

 

He didn’t want to leave her. 

 

He never wanted to leave her. 

 

Jon could live without Daenerys, he just wasn’t sure it was a life worth living.  

 

He kissed her forehead once he stood, stray tears fall on her face as he did. 

 

“I love you so much my raging storm. I love you, I love you.” 

 

His right hand slipped into his jean pocket and he traced over the cool metal ring the nursed had given him when he left the hospital for the first time. He stared down at it, at her engagement ring and he felt numb. 

 

He couldn’t cry anymore. 

 

He took her hand in his once again and slipped the ring onto her wedding finger. 

 

“Goodbye Dany.” 

 

And then, despite the emotions that festered inside him, screaming for him to turn around and never let her go again, he left the hospital room. And then the hospital. 

 

Leaving everything he had ever wanted, leaving his life in that bed. He didn’t turn back, just drove in silence. 

 

Jon felt empty. Like a body of empty space. 

 

He doesn’t remember going back to his apartment or falling asleep but he did. Sleep was a good way to not think. He didn’t need to think right now, too much of it would kill him. It already had been and tonight, if he hadn’t slept, Jon might’ve let it finish it the job. 

 

The sound of his phone violently ringing in his pocket stirred him awake the next morning. He had barely used it the day before, he’d hope it die and leave him in peace but no. It didn’t. 

 

It was Arya, again and Jon answered it 

 

“Arya what is it?” His voice sounded dead, void of emotion completely. 

 

He felt like he sounded. 

 

“Jon! She’s awake! Dany, she-she’s awake!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lemme know what you thought please, hope you guys enjoyed ♡


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